RE: SO DO INDIAN MEN DESERVE NO LOVE ??? or DATES?

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January 31, 2005

The Bay Area edition of Craigslist.org has been buzzing lately over one woman’s post in the Rants and Raves section. Apparently the number of responses she has gotten has inspired her to start her own blog. Normally I would never consider linking to a blog that is so young that it only has two entries, but I have a nose for controversy and thought I’d help this woman by sending some traffic her way (and start a gender war as a bonus). Yes, I am a troublemaker. From her post:

I can tell you the reason why most girls, desi or non don’t like to go for Indians. I have heard more than 100 stories in the last few years from every woman I know who has dated or tried a relationship with a desi guy.

1. There is always that, let’s have a relationship now and I love you and I want to marry you but I won’t tell anyone of my friends or family that you even exist. You are just a friend and then one fine day, make a trip to India to “visit” family and the guy either comes back married or engaged and his answer is “sorry but they forced me and now I can’t do anything.” Some get even worse and then say, I always told you my parents would never approve of anyone that I found and other b.s. things like that. My point is, desi guys tend to want to lie and are dishonest about long term futures even when things are going well and they don’t have the balls to stand up for someone even if they love them. <<<———— This is the BIGGEST reason why I know most women wont even look at a desi as a serious relationship matter.. What good is it if he can’t be a man?

2. They are too cheap. I have actually had a desi guy ask me to split a bill at Taco Bell.. I mean, hey I don’t mind going dutch but ocassionally it would be nice to see a guy actually making things a little romantic than finding the cheapest way to a date.

3. They are NOT romantic. They have no concept of how to treat a woman period. They don’t know about bringing flowers on special occassions or sometimes, just cuz. They don’t know how to show their emotions and care for someone. Their idea of a date is sitting at home or at Naz, watching a Desi movie over a dinner at an indian restaurant. They have no concept of doing something to please a woman and let’s face it.. desi or not, women love romance.

…

Have you heard enough or are you thirsty for more? Needless to say I think this girl is wrong in most of her generalizations. We are victims of our own designs when it comes to dating and love. I am also pretty sure that some Indian male is going to come up with a counter list. It won’t be me however :)

I don’t mean to generalize but most women will give you a reason or reasons between the above mentioned ones as to their experiences with a desi guy. Since there aren’t that many desis to go around, once a woman has one or two experience like this, they stay away from desis in general.. Hence, anyone who may not even fit in to this catagory will suffer because of your fellow desi men who have used and abused these above mentioned criterias too much.

You bastards!

Issues

POSTED BY abhi @ 9:23 PM

60 comments

1 · Ms World on January 31, 2005 10:17 PM · Direct link

She is using the blog (it seems) to spread the word about her unpcoming book on dating an Indian! She is a savvy Indian sistah! She`s gonna get a book deal soon! I`m jealous (about the book deal)!

2 · Abhi on January 31, 2005 10:42 PM · Direct link

It should be noted that book deals aren't simply given away. You have to be able to write. Although two blog entries aren't enough to judge her writing skills, there is nothing particularly impressive about them stylistically. Given a spell-checker and a cash advance I think I could write a better book on indian dating. :)

3 · Ms World on January 31, 2005 10:48 PM · Direct link

This is hilarious and I don`t have to argue about Black people either! She is using the blog to gather stories for her book! DAMN she is good! If I was a publisher, I`d give her a book deal. People (South Asians & non-South Asians) are going to buy the book, so they can accurately bitch or agree with it!

4 · BridalBeer on January 31, 2005 10:52 PM · Direct link

here's a blog by a girl who loves indian men.
http://thesaripartygirl.blogspot.com
"This is the goss about a lady who digs anything indian from head to toes and inside out. Yeh, it's that crazy! It's worth a visit." - M. Lee, Perth, Australia.

5 · Manish Vij on January 31, 2005 10:54 PM · Direct link

Given a spell-checker and a cash advance I think I could write a better book on indian dating.

Shouldn't your publisher throw a few desi supermodels your way? For research purposes only.

6 · BridalBeer on January 31, 2005 10:56 PM · Direct link

sorry, the blogger i mentioned likes everything-indian and not specifically indian men. a clarification is in order because she's happily married so fetishes are mostly ruled out.

7 · Ms World on January 31, 2005 11:00 PM · Direct link

Abhi- do it! And I don`t mean that in a cynical way. Write a book about dating in the South Asian community. It`s a great idea and someone just has to write it down, preferrably someone South Asian.

But have you seen most of the stuff that is out there? I`m not talking about literary fiction but the rest of the junk. I love chick-lit but some of it is very dumb. I won`t get started on hip-hop fiction (yes that is a category).

This is all about money and not literary merit. I see a market for this kind of book. Mark my words-whomever writes this type of book first and it is done decently with some humor and controversy by an author who is attractive and marketable will make dollars.

8 · Manish Vij on January 31, 2005 11:01 PM · Direct link

Write a book about dating in the South Asian community.

Check out Life Isn't All Ha Ha Hee Hee.

9 · Ms World on January 31, 2005 11:19 PM · Direct link

I read that! I`m a pretty well-read girl in people of color books ;) And I do love the Brits. It was good but set in Britain. It was also fiction. I still think girlfriend with the blog can get a book deal especially if she`s a looker.
Man, I sound just like my friends in the music biz. It`s all about being able to market the product.

10 · blank on February 1, 2005 1:10 AM · Direct link

Problem here is the same with every relationship. It goes to communicating wants and desires, and making sure you get what you are looking for in a relationship. Easier said than done, but a start nonetheless.

Not to reference a bad movie, the scene was funny. Hank Azaria in "Along Came Polly" was discussing in his French accent how a hippo was attempting to dress itself as different animals to join each group. Bottom line is you are who you are.

If some lady already sees that the guy is not treating her like she wants, then move on. Don't whine about it when the whole world supposedly knows what ALL INDIAN MEN DO, right?

Splitting a Taco Bell bill is pretty bad. So is running off to India under the 'forced marriage' topic. If rest of the color pallet of men were oh so better than Indian men, whats the deal with shows like Sex in the City or the other stupid million dating books out there that sell so well.

Dating and finding good people seem to be issues that preoccupy other races/ethnicities as well. Atleast thats what I gather from the popularity of Match.com, or Great Expectations, or say Jdate for Jewish folk.

I get sick and tired of hearing that Indian men are not romantic, or passionate, or honest. There are honest dudes, there are dishonest dudes, and then there are those that simply don't care and float.

As Abhi pointed out, because our community is smaller each negative experience gets magnified and draws rest of the community under the harsh spotlight.

11 · Punjabi Boy on February 1, 2005 4:18 AM · Direct link

Somebody start a blog about stuck up Indian-American women who think their shit doesnt smell...

;-D

12 · Al Mujahid on February 1, 2005 7:56 AM · Direct link

And on the other hand they complain that we fall in love too soon and blah blah

13 · beep on February 1, 2005 8:10 AM · Direct link

i bet gurinder chaddha's getting wet just thinking about making a movie out of this woman's inane book...

14 · Andrew Jackson on February 1, 2005 9:02 AM · Direct link

At the risk of catching the ire of everyone PC, maybe her last reason should have read:

They are NOT romantic. They have no concept of how to treat a woman with a period.

15 · A N N A on February 1, 2005 9:17 AM · Direct link

Somebody start a blog about stuck up Indian-American women who think their shit doesnt smell...

um, DUH. i've been blogging since 2003. sheesh.

16 · evil A N N A on February 1, 2005 9:25 AM · Direct link

yeah, so i just went to this illiterate twat's incoherent...blog...and if THAT BITCH gets a book deal, there is something very wrong with how the world works. eeeeyuck.

she can't spell, her voice isn't worth reading and her generalities are so sweeping, someone should confiscate her broom--unless she wants to ride away cackling on it...

but let me tell you how i REALLY feel... ;)

17 · KXB on February 1, 2005 9:46 AM · Direct link

How about the phenomenon where the Indian bride starts to put on weight as her unsuspecting groom slides that wedding ring onto her finger? When my mom complained to me about her future daughter on-law's weight, I pointed out that she was not in the best shape herself. She replied, "I had three kids. What's her excuse?"

Or that Indian girls seem to have a bit more problems with body hair than other girls? A materialism that rivals the crudest JAP stereotype. The list could go on and on, but it would be rude on my part to continue.

18 · MD on February 1, 2005 10:21 AM · Direct link

ANNA, lol. That's the meme of my blog as well.

19 · Manish Vij on February 1, 2005 10:25 AM · Direct link

Indian girls seem to have a bit more problems with body hair than other girls

The switch that sends a fetus to X or Y in the womb, that's a finely-balanced, serendipitous switch. Hirsuteness is linked to ethnicity as well as gender.

In other words, have you seen your own back lately? ;)

20 · KXB on February 1, 2005 10:35 AM · Direct link

Hey - what do I think I do the first weekend of every month? Here's a hint - type "razorba" into any search engine.

21 · Manish Vij on February 1, 2005 10:38 AM · Direct link

Oh, man. That ranks up there with the Flowbee.

22 · Sluggo on February 1, 2005 11:24 AM · Direct link

What's makes everyone think this is for real? or that it's even going to take off? Or that the book she's writing has to do with dating or relationships at all?

23 · brimful on February 1, 2005 11:41 AM · Direct link

I'm a little with Sluggo on this one, given that craigslist in SF has slews of this sort of sweeping generalization stuff on a weekly basis. The interesting thing is that there is at least one thread a week that has something to do with South Asians, either pro or con.

24 · anonymous on February 1, 2005 12:17 PM · Direct link

I dunno, dude...me and a female friend (white amrikans) fell in love with Bengali guys (one midwesterner raised Hindu, one Brit raised Muslim)around the same time, on opposite sides of the world, and somehow we have the EXACT same sexual problems with them, heretofore unseen in our 15-year SaTC-style dating lives. It's nauseatingly uncanny. We don't know what to blame it on. Culture? Religion? Their freaky Bengali DNA? Individual brain damage? ;)

A half-Indian friend from California just wrote me from Bombay to ask if British Asian men had the same sexual neuroses and schizophrenia that he's observing in India. I was like, I dunno which parts of their problems are British and which are Asian... ;)

25 · rversde23 on February 1, 2005 1:24 PM · Direct link

Though there are some bad apples in the bucket, I must stand up for my South Asian brothers and sisters. All my SA girlfriends are marrying/dating SAs and we are all very satisfied and happy...

All of us have issues and men, just cause y'all don't bleed doesn't mean you don't get "PMS".

FYI- I do know of a woman in the Bay who has been writing a book on South Asian relationships for the past year....but the blog's writing style was not hers. It'll be an interesting book cause its something that we all can bond about, right?

26 · nik on February 1, 2005 1:28 PM · Direct link

there is no way she is getting a book deal. she's a complete illiterate! every other word is misspelled or incorrent -- she used "Another words" when she meant "In other words." this is the height of stupidity.

27 · Adrianne Truett on February 1, 2005 1:52 PM · Direct link

Ooh, could I get a book deal for talking about dating an American desi boy? (he'd kill me... especially because that would mean he'd have to tell his mother... hey, now that's an idea...)

28 · Sin on February 1, 2005 2:09 PM · Direct link

Dude. It's even worse with desi gay men, believe you me. I'm trying not to get started, because I'm scared that my IP address will get blocked for spam-like content.

29 · andrea on February 1, 2005 2:47 PM · Direct link

I wouldn't publish her. Too many spelling and grammatical mistakes.

30 · razib on February 1, 2005 5:00 PM · Direct link

Or that Indian girls seem to have a bit more problems with body hair than other girls?

i thought bengalis didn't have this problem?

31 · rajesh on February 1, 2005 7:31 PM · Direct link

If she does get a book deal, we would definitely see an upswing for this type of writing. Significant cultural barriers that exist in the publishing world would be broken, and the droves of people like her around the world would finally get a chance at success.

After all, clinically retarded folks rarely have a voice in the publishing world these days.

32 · Saurav on February 1, 2005 7:59 PM · Direct link

It's even worse with desi gay men, believe you me

I can attest to that. I'm horrendous to deal with and I've run into some spectacularly flawed people as well. But all the same, I have met one or two great guys as well. And we all know how to cook.

33 · KXB on February 1, 2005 8:55 PM · Direct link

"Or that Indian girls seem to have a bit more problems with body hair than other girls?"

"i thought bengalis didn't have this problem?"

Hah... I had my first mustache in the eighth grade. After my mom got sick of it, she said, in her inimitiable style, "For God's sake, shave it off. You look like a Puerto Rican!" That's when my brother taught me to shave. During college, the joke was I get a five o'clock shadow by lunch-time.

34 · an0nymous on February 1, 2005 11:03 PM · Direct link

we have the EXACT same sexual problems with them

meaning what?

35 · Ms World on February 1, 2005 11:30 PM · Direct link

``we have the EXACT same sexual problems with them``

I won`t use the anonymous badge to cover up my lurid interest.
I think that point about `sexual problems` need to be addressed. ;)

36 · Sluggo on February 2, 2005 2:42 AM · Direct link

Oh Mein Gott...

we have the EXACT same sexual problems with them

what does that mean...

37 · Ank G on February 2, 2005 9:10 AM · Direct link

Knowing that this person has wasted productive time for so many people (including myself) makes me hate people in general...

Book deal???

38 · Sin on February 2, 2005 1:38 PM · Direct link

Saurav: I'm a fantastic cook ;) Come to Karachi some time, and find out.

True enough though; there're your horrendous desi queers, and the marginally better ones. Interestingly enough, it's the desi lesbians with whom I get along better.

39 · A N N A on February 2, 2005 2:42 PM · Direct link

Interestingly enough, it's the desi lesbians with whom I get along better.

and you all wonder why i'm his hag... ;)

40 · Ank G on February 2, 2005 3:12 PM · Direct link

Lesbians are great fun. I enjoy my lesbian friends...

...not enjoy them like I "enjoy" them, because that would not allow them to classify themselves as "lesbians" per se...same as if I made out with any of my gay friends...that would also be wrong...my buddy Chris (sitting next to me right now) also shares this sentiment....

For those Sepia Mutiny people who don't know, Chris and I have been rendezvousing about thrice a week since April....okay...that didn't
really sound right...what I meant was that we've been playing with each other since last winter, and we get quite a workout with each other...uh..that didn't come out right either...it's just that we're so evenly paired, that sometimes he beats me, and sometimes I beat him - that's why I love picking up our respective sticks and swinging away at each other - resulting in us hurling our balls at each other at high velocities as hard as we can...now that's what I'm trying to say...

Enough about Chris - Anna, you're a hag? I had NO idea!!.....when did you come out?

-Ankur

PS - Chris and I have a court time at 6:30pm tonight, for those interested in seeing this spectacle.... ;)

41 · brimful on February 2, 2005 3:15 PM · Direct link

Tennis entendres... this thread has become far more amusing than the topic itself!

42 · Papia on February 2, 2005 7:46 PM · Direct link

Nay, this website is much much funnier, has the same subject matter, and rest assured is more likely to get a book deal. Not my own blog. But a good friend's.

http://outrageousminx.blogspot.com/2004/07/from-snog-to-blog.html

http://outrageousminx.blogspot.com

43 · Saurav on February 3, 2005 2:11 AM · Direct link

Sin,

No, I meant it sincerely--I've met some desi guys who are, at minimum, more than marginally better than the crazy dudes. And to be fair, a lot of the crazy guys are wonderful in our own ways too. We're just a little...dramatic sometimes:)

Now you know I'm not going to pass up an open invitation for free desi food, even if it's meat-ridden Pakistani cuisine. I swear it's impossible for a vegetarian to get by in a Pakistani neighborhood in New York. And during Ramadan? Forget about it.

44 · nik on February 3, 2005 1:52 PM · Direct link

papia,

tell outrageous minx to start blogging again! that's some good stuff! plus, she left many teasers that need to be tied up. :)

45 · outrageousminx on February 3, 2005 2:44 PM · Direct link

hi nik and papia-

thanks for the comments! i am up and running with the blogsite again. hopefully, i'll be able to keep going and not lag behind again.

-minx-

46 · Arati Misro on February 6, 2005 7:58 PM · Direct link

There has to be a book written about Indian women's war stories on dating Indian men. What a great idea. It is sensory over load. Talk about dysfunction. I am personally baffled at how to win the "heart" of an Indian man and why I even care. There are always exceptions but Indian men do not know how to express themselves and HATE to talk about how they "feel". What the hell does that mean? Lets not even start with taking EVERYTHING for granted. They are so spoiled. As an indian women who ALWAYS speaks her mind and follows her passion- I am sorry to say, things are looking bleek. Ironically, I met an indian man in India who fell hopelessly in love with me when I was on assignment.He introduced me to a new India, one with so much possibility! What are the odds of that happening? We totally get each other. He is more open minded and truly Indian than any Indian guy I know in the states. He is by far, the most amazing man I know. But life goes on. Now he is married with a beautiful daughter. We are the best of friends and he will always give me hope.

47 · dolph fungrin on February 7, 2005 1:16 PM · Direct link

as a caucasian male of an unusually enormous endowment, let me report the following anecdote.

once when i was at 24 hour fitness i overheard two 'desi' guys discussing indian women raised in america, and indian women raised in india.

the consensus among the panel of 2, was that there was no way they would marry indian women raised in america. women in india were simply better for some reason.

i had no idea what they were talking about, except for wondering if they perhaps meant that women in asia
had not yet gotten 'uppity' enough to be dissatisfied
with a lifetime of cooking and cleaning for a man.

of course, i have my own biases which could have merely
distorted their comments to meet my own imperialistic views.

48 · anonymous on February 7, 2005 3:50 PM · Direct link

Exact same sexual problems? 3 of you want DETAILS? Yeesh. Fine, then. How about, Bengali boyfriend wakes up with morning hard-on. Grab's gori's hand and places it on the specimen, expecting her to do something with it. Girl, finding herself thus unpleasantly awakened, turns away while guy begs and pleads for attention to his part. How about finding it far too difficult a "chore" to bother going downtown more than once a month (and only then with desperate begging) when we're used to it every freaking time? (and y'all are from the culture that has yoni pujas and all that?!?) How about only being able to get off in missionary position, because the woman taking control frightens their willies into limpness? How about fundamentally believing that sex is dirty and shameful and that women who know what they want and how to ask for it means we're actually filthy porn stars who want to be degraded? We'd come across none of these things in our dozens of other lovers over the years. Why the freaky Bengalis? Don't get us wrong, we love everything else about those disturbed boys, but the sexual stuff is surreal, and we don't know why it's the same for us both. Happy now?

49 · andrea on February 7, 2005 4:32 PM · Direct link

uh, anonymous, a lot of that applies to white guys too...

50 · Nik on February 7, 2005 4:54 PM · Direct link

not to mention the fact that it was WAY too much information. no one's interested in the bizarre specifics of your love life anonymous. i'm sure there are sundry places on the internet where you can take your odd issues.

51 · Ms World on February 7, 2005 6:31 PM · Direct link

Please don`t beat up on anonymous since I, Sluggo, and another poster called anonymous asked her to give us details. Boy, did she give us DETAILS! ;) But we didn`t think we`d get those kind of details. For once in my life, I`m a little speechless. But I must add that the downtown issue is interesting. I think guys of all nationalities are either into it or not! I won`t say anymore because I might get banned from Sepia Mutiny :)

52 · Ronak on February 8, 2005 5:15 AM · Direct link

what is all this poop????

get off of our backs yar... I mean, (D)EVOLUTION??? you've got to be kidding me. don't even get me started on the difficulties of dealing with brown women

who wants to start a blog how good it is to be a brown guy right now. heavy shoulder movements and classic amitabh moves are in high demand at all the clubs. PLUS i'm seeing russell peters next monday.

stop all the hating, nobody wants to hear about how hard it is to find a "progressive guy who is South Asian" come on, just come out and say what you really want... a chiseled brown shtud who will kiss your feet, cook you subji, serve it to you in bed, and provide meaningful, windblown sharukh gazes on command. yuck

53 · A N N A on February 8, 2005 9:54 AM · Direct link

ugh. indian boys suck? what a load of bullshit.

all of the sweeping (generalizing) is irritating my allergies.

i'm not going to divulge more private matters like anonymous did(though i will state that i had no complaints there), but MY bengali ex-bf, whom i dated for over 18 months:

-taught me how to drive a manual transmission via his 1956 porsche speedster convertible, a car that meant the world to him, a car that had been on the cover of excellence mag

-brought me breakfast (including homemade cinnamon rolls!) in bed, every weekend, along with a copy of the sunday nyt

-bought me flowers, for no reason whatsoever

-overheard me tell my best friend that i couldn't find a nail polish to match a certain indian outfit that i was wearing for a wedding-- so he had his friends at a certain shop (think similar to "west coast customs") create the most glorious enamel to surprise me with, shot with three kinds of pearl

-knew that i'd be heartbroken that my beloved siamese fighting fish died, so he desperately ran all over town trying to find an identical twin before i got home from work (unsuccessful-- i got home early and found my little "triumph trident" belly up)

-surprised homesick me with a visit during my first semester of grad school (over two years after we broke up!!!) and even brought my fave bare escentuals peppermint shower gel to cheer me, after i absent-mindedly mentioned that i couldn't find it out here.

i ONLY date indian guys. have some of them been assholes? sure. my sister tends to date white and asian guys. have some of THEM been assholes? you bet your sweet ass...hole.

everyone has an asshole, everyone occasionally IS an asshole. i will not stand by and let bengali boys get denigrated needlessly. same goes for punjabi, kashmiri, rajasthani, tamil and malayalee boys.

i've dated all of the above (and they spanned the continuum from boys who were in india until college but came here for grad school ---> boys who were born here, who were brown only genetically) and there were plenty of sweethearts in the lot. i'll compile a damned list of rockstar-gestures like the ones i shamelessly flaunted above, to counteract the unnecessary negativity that is getting batted about here. there are PLENTY of indian guys who are amazing. from every possible background.

ANY guy will disrespect a girl if they let him-- every girl learns this the hard way, me included.

if you don't want to wake up with something unpleasant in your hand, make that abundantly clear as a non-negotiable point. if he doesn't agree to it, he doesn't deserve you, he's not the one for you (even if you "love everything else about him") and you should move on. period. you and your friend have had bad experiences, but questioning an entire group of people for it is ludicrous.

there are good and bad in every community, in both genders, in all sexual orientations. 'nuff said.

54 · SJM on February 9, 2005 2:31 PM · Direct link

I entered the fray a bit late. But check out

http://maniktahla.blogspot.com

for my own take on the crazy uptight beeeeyatch.

55 · Mukund on February 10, 2005 3:21 PM · Direct link

Please see my rebuttal to this post under my blog: http://indibloggers.blogspot.com

56 · parthakrish on February 10, 2005 5:13 PM · Direct link

Hi one woman's post in the 'Rants and Raves section and Ur comments as well as many others has degeneraed into a wishy pornography.Dating and partnering are different.Again all dates need not end in the matrimonial tie.And what is the spciality of 'Videshis'
ParthaKrishna

57 · Bhupesh on February 14, 2005 7:34 AM · Direct link

HAHA honestly i'm a indian guy and i was laughing so much when i read that.... i didn't even know indian guys were like that; partly becasue there aren't any near where i live hahahaha,

but split a tacobell meal? thats just sad..... yet very funny casue it happened to someone else hahaha.

man you maybe just found a wrong guy...but if this happened more then once....damn start up a application process.

to who ever wrote this was a great laugh

Bhupesh

58 · Obulous on February 16, 2005 7:14 AM · Direct link

You offer to pick up the tab, and its a women liberation issue. You offer to go dutch and its termed as unromantic. There is no pleasing some people.

59 · Ajju on February 16, 2005 7:56 AM · Direct link

A vast majority of my Indian friends are pole opposites of the guy described above.

60 · desi chick on March 14, 2005 9:01 PM · Direct link

I have to agree with what Anna said. If you state what you want in the relationship (hopefully not on the first few dates) and if he doesn't deliver move on. I learned this from a guy friend who once said that if a woman lets a man treat her bad then he will continue to do so. Besides every relationship is a give-take ordeal and when that becomes violated it leaves either party wanting. I have mostly dated Indian men and I did have a bad experience with one of them but the others were wonderful. My only complaint being it's hard finding one that isn't a mama's boy. But other than that I have seen some very sweeet ones.

Comments closed.