White American Christians Emulate Arranged Marriages

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April 18, 2005

Abhi's post about the Prom got me thinking about the non-trivial number of Christians I've met over the years who follow desi-like restrictive dating rituals. One friend of mine went no further than holding hands with his intended until they got engaged! Two seconds (literally) on Google yielded a (white American) group that proposes something very similar to "modern arranged marriages"

Let's be honest for a minute, when we were looking for a spouse, we looked at all the wrong things. All the guys look for is how the girl looks. All the girl looks at is whether or not the guy is nice to her. Single people have a very poor track record in looking for the important characteristics of the heart when they are looking for a mate.

On the other hand, there is nobody who knows children like their parents do (except God). So, parents will know the character traits of their children; their strong and weak areas, their likes and dislikes, and their personality. As such, the parents are in a position to make a more accurate evaluation of the compatibility of a particular man, or women with their own kids.

Please note, I'm not talking about the parents choosing a mate without the child's participation in the decision. What I'm saying is that the best possible decision will be made when the parents and child work together ... If either they, or us as parents see a possibility in someone, we will mention it. Then, we will investigate that person, to find out everything we can about them and their family. If they still look like a possible candidate for marriage after this investigation, we will go together to talk with that possible mate and his or her parents. [cite]

At the end of this piece, the author approvingly quotes a visiting pastor from India talking about arranged marriage, although he seems to distinguish what he's proposing. I have no idea how large this church seems - from the web page they look pretty small - nor do I know how wide spread this trend is, but it's not the first time I've heard of such practices.

Religion

POSTED BY ennis @ 08:25 PM

11 comments

1 · razib on April 18, 2005 09:41 PM · Direct link

despite the romantic notions promoted by medieval poets in the provence...among the elite arranged marriage was the norm in europe until recently. among the peasantry the situation was more fluid, but pragmatism tended to trump notions of romance. this is back to the past as much as it is horizontal emulation.

2 · sd on April 18, 2005 09:44 PM · Direct link

Well, Maranatha (or, the Maranatha movement), is actually pretty widespread, they're the ones that more-or-less started the shift from the staid sit-in-the-pew church to the raise-your-voices church... Maranatha music is popular amongst Christians everywhere and Maranatha itself is big in India, but it's tenor changes from church to church.

the words "anathema" and "maranatha," by the way, used to go together like a horse & carriage, love & marriage...

3 · andrea on April 18, 2005 10:21 PM · Direct link

This is becoming more and more widely accepted in evangelical circles. They call it "courting" and liken it to how people got married in the Victorian age. The movement became popular in the late 90s with a book called "I Kissed Dating Good-Bye" by Josh something-or-other...

4 · Maitri on April 19, 2005 10:00 AM · Direct link

On explaining the concept of arranged marriage to 30-something westerners, a few of them have sighed wishing their parents had done it for them. "Why not date and marry someone known to and validated by my parents? Makes finding a mate a lot less of a hassle." Again, this reeks a bit of the-grass-is-greener.

5 · Anonymous Cow on April 19, 2005 10:26 AM · Direct link

Well, Maranatha (or, the Maranatha movement), is actually pretty widespread

sd: You may be confusing this group with other Indian groups of similar names. "Maranatha" is a popular word to use among Indian churches, choirs, and organizations - many of which have no affiliation to each other.

6 · Anonymous Cow on April 19, 2005 10:41 AM · Direct link

Hasn't arranged marriage undergone a shift among Indian-Americans, to the point where it isn't really "arranged"? It's not the "arranged marriage" of my grandparents - where the bride and groom meet for the first time on wedding day.

I've had friends and relatives (in India and America) claim to have followed the arranged marriage route. But all that really means is that their parents knew another family with a single Indian boy or girl. The boy and girl get to meet. They may even go out on a date (though it certainly isn't called a "date"). If they don't like each other, then they move on.

Arranged marriage now seem no different then when my white friends get "fixed up" by a relative.

On the concept of dating within the evangelical Christian community, the focus is to show respect to the girl. In my opinion, the whole purpose of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (a canon text among many churches) was not to re-introduce Victorian era principles. No, it was to emphasize that a woman should be treated with great respect, and not as an object of sex.

7 · wonker on April 19, 2005 11:14 AM · Direct link

Anon Cow spouts the same puritan nonsense. Fact is, that religions (all & everywhere) are uncomfortable with sex. And Evangelicals here, are trying to push sex back into marriage. "No ding ding without the wedding ring".

That's the reason for the slew of "Dating is sin" or "I saved up myself for my husband" kind of books. They have nothing to do with respect for women. They are scared that men and women might discover how fun sex is...and start doing it...

8 · Anonymous Cow on April 19, 2005 11:42 AM · Direct link

Did I say sex was boring? No. Did I say sex was bad? No.

Nor did I say dating was wrong or sinful.

The old Gandhi quote comes to mind:

"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity; and worship without sacrifice."

In this day and age, the attitudes towards sex have become pleasure without conscience.

9 · sd on April 19, 2005 05:34 PM · Direct link

Yes, you're right, however, Maranatha isn't something that just get's thrown around all churches, it's a term that is mentioned to ring the bell of a certain kind of church, something different from the traditional (i.e. in the U.S., "New Life Christian Center" vs. "St. Andrews Lutheran Church).

Puritans and Victorians aside, can anyone opine on the "sex as sin" concept in Hinduism? The reason I ask is because Christian and Islamic texts make you wonder when if ever people had sex (hmm, perhaps when someone had their back turned in the fig-grove). In Hindu texts, you don't really wonder, it's not so hidden (and before anyone jumps on me, I'm not trying to be disparaging nor am I talking just about Kama Sutra or Krishna & Gopis).

10 · S & M on May 10, 2005 04:42 PM · Direct link

I would also like to know Hinduism's "official stance" on pre-marital sex, if indeed there is one. In my research thus far I have not found one but on my recent trip to India, I noticed that people were not at all comfortable with the idea and I wondered where that attitude stemmed from?

11 · Manish Vij on May 10, 2005 04:46 PM · Direct link

There are no church officials or 'official stances' in Hinduism, and are you planning on posting the same question on every post on this site?!

Comments closed.