Fresh bagels, Starbucks™ coffee, foot massages – the SM main office is indeed posh. Thanks for having me, just remember, I expect to be paid in cash.

So let me begin with a personal anecdote, For what better way is there to endear yourself to your readers but with something that will tug at their heartstrings or at least get them frothing at the mouth.

In order to prepare for our upcoming trip to London, the Mrs. and I went to get an American passport for our two year old son at the county clerk office here in Brooklyn. (I must mention here that I have been on vacation for the past week and have not shaved during the time. A quick glance at me in the CCTV puts me high on a lot of freedom-lovin’ people’s wanted list). The guy behind the counter was a big old queen, I’m talking rings on each finger, dyed hair, in his early 60s looking like Tony Curtis and talking like Paul Lynde queen.

“Well, well” he says, “looks like another form printed from the internet, let me see if this is the right one they always screw it up.”

“Is it the wrong form?” I ask

“No, it’s the right one, but usually people screw it up” he replies.

He started to fill out other paperwork then asked for our I.D. (the US passport office suggests you bring a state-issued driver’s license as a form of I.D.). As he continued to write down information from our ID he looked up and says “Now you don’t have a Resident Alien card do you?” (I don’t since I am an US citizen, but he was talking to me.)

My wife interjected “Yes, I do, but I didn’t bring it.” (she’s Welsh with a UK Passport).

“Well, I don’t have to accept this application you know” he says with a flourish of his many-ringed fingers.

“I mean he (speaking to me, the swarthy looking one) looks like he doesn’t belong here but here, you are the one with the resident alien card. You really should bring it with you when you come for something like a passport”.

We both bit our tongue. Telling him to stuff it for that comment meant we would have to go back home, come back with more paperwork and go through this process all over again on the hottest motherchucking day of the year.