October 10, 2005
O HenryHumor
It’s Columbus Day here in the U.S., or Indigenous People’s Day in the republic of Berkeley. Let’s toast Amerigo Vespucci and Cristóbal Colón: the former for lending his name to the continent, the latter for one of the biggest geographic cockups of all time.
As we all know, Columbus was horndoggin’ it to the land of mirch masala. Like some lecherous old geezer, he ran across a couple of prepubescent bumps in the sea and mistook them for the Himalayas. Always happy to compound a mistake, he then foundered upon the continental shelf and called its inhabitants Indians.
Contrary to popular belief, most educated individuals in the 15th century, and especially sailors, already knew that the earth was round. What was not realized by Columbus, however, was just how big a globe it was. Columbus seriously underestimated the size of the planet. [Link]
He believed the peaks of Cuba were the Himalayas of India, which gives one a sense of just how lost he was… [Link]
Not just bad at math, he was a poor businessman to boot. You’d think he’d notice they had no jewels, silk or spices. And hello, no turbans? It apparently didn’t occur to him to ask the Arawak what they called themselves. No wonder Rome fell — the Italiano was Mr. Magoo playing with sailboats in a bathtub.
We live in the United States of HenryBecause of Columbo, we suffer the same irritation as when someone nabs our handle on Gmail. We suffer the same pain as being given a dorky nickname that stuck. We’re not Indians here but rather East Indians, we’re all Oriya here. We’re not Asians but rather South Asians, running on IST relative to the Chinese. We’re Asian Indians, dot not feather. Searching the card catalog at research libraries sucks. We did not get a neat moniker like As-Am. We’re stuck with rickety contraptions like South Asian American or Asian Indian American or just fuckin’ desi, yaar.
Since the number of Native Americans is just 0.003% the number of Indians, this naming scheme is pretty rude. It’s like calling that carbon fiber angel known as the Lamborghini Diablo a ‘horseless carriage.’ Ironically, India was at such a zenith at the time that ‘Indies’ also covered Southeast Asia:
The name “West Indies” originates from Christopher Columbus’ idea that he had landed in the Indies (then meaning all of south and east Asia) when he had in fact reached the Americas. [Link]
The Indies or East Indies (or East India) is a term used to describe lands of South and Southeast Asia, occupying all of the former British India, the present Indian Union, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Myanmar, Sri Lanka, the Maldives, and also Thailand, Malaysia and Indonesia… Iranian Baluchistan, Indochina, the Philippine Islands, Brunei, Singapore and East Timor. [Link]
… to avoid confusion, the New World came to be called the West Indies whilst the original Indies came to be called the “East Indies”. [Link]
And so the various East India Companies were born. Even the name of this continent went wrong, and thus the name of our country. That’s right — we live in the United States of Henry.
[Amerigo] Vespucci styled himself Americus Vespucius in his Latin writings, so Waldseemüller based the new name on the Latin form of Vespucci’s first name, taking the feminine form America… Amerigo itself is an Italian form of Haimirich (in English, Henry). [Link]
That Haimirich maneuver was totally uncalled for. O Henry — it’s Hank-y panky, Hal ol’ pal!
Here are some alternate theories on the naming of America and a different usage of ‘East Indian’:
East Indian are an ethnic or sub-ethnic group, based in and around the city of Bombay or Mumbai. These people, part of the original Konkani ethnic group, had been evangelized by force under Portuguese auspices…
… when immigrants from Portuguese-ruled Goa began to enter Bombay, in order to distinguish themselves from the Goans (whom the British also called Portuguese), they renamed themselves “East Indians”, purportedly after the British East India Company, in order to demonstrate their loyalty to the British, and as locals of Bombay as distinguished from the Goans. [Link]
manish on October 10, 2005 08:46 PM in Holidays, Humor · T·r·a·c·k·b·a·c·k address · Direct link · Email post
¤ Flooded Lizard Kingdom said: Saturday Afternoon Good Writing
funny, manish. Just loved it. :)
Happy Columbus day to you
heyyyyy. i'm the only one allowed to do that on this blog. ;)
hahha
i'm the dot kinda indian not the feather kind...
or i'm not the 'whoop whoop' (making the red indian noise with the palm of my hand over my mouth) kinda india but the 'namaste' gesture indian..
damn. that is how i explained it years ago. damn columbus.
the grumpy garabanzobean ;)
As we all know, Columbus was horndoggin it to the land of mirch masala.
This is a bigger "geographical cookup" than the one you mentioned. The British were NOT looking for spices when they came to India - IT WAS GOLD THAT BROUGHT THEM TO "INDIA". I hope the Indian history is corrected to reflect this. Till then...sigh...
damn. that is how i explained it years ago. damn columbus.
was it just me, or did others who grew up in areas with few indian kids around face the stupid confusion about what type of "indian" you were? damn, i hated that. i read that book, "in the year of the boar and jackie robinson" and realized my cultural ambassador responsibilities. but damn, stupid columbus.
iz y i like brown. anyway, david yeagley takes this way too serious:
However, the presence of Hindus (Asian Indians) in America is causing great confusion today. With two million, their population is roughly the same as the American Indian. They call themselves Indian and sometimes Indian-American.
American Indians must not concede. The Hindus cannot have our legal, historical name here in America.
To the honor of the indigenous Columbus, on this his day, let Asian Indians be called Hindus and the indigenous people of the United States be called American Indians.
razib -- crazy stuff, that. You're brown? You're Hindu! What's that? you're Muslim? you're Christian? nah, get over it -- you're Hindu!
(As for me, it was always, "you majored in Indian Studies? What tribes?" Meh.)
i read Columbus was looking for Japan...
I love Vijai Nathan's response:
This guy shouts out 'Whoo! Keep it going for the Cherokee!' So I said, 'Sir, I'm not the kind of Indian with bows and arrows. I'm the kind with unlimited access to nuclear weaponry.'
but damn, stupid Columbus.
Yeah... When I was in the second-grade, my teacher explained Columbus Day to the class and then pointed to me and said, "and that's why -------- is called an 'Indian'." But, then again, when my dad immigrated to the States, he thought he was moving to Washington D.C. but instead ended up in Washington State, so I can't really complain.
was it just me, or did others who grew up in areas with few indian kids around face the stupid confusion about what type of "indian" you were? damn, i hated that. i read that book, "in the year of the boar and jackie robinson" and realized my cultural ambassador responsibilities. but damn, stupid columbus.
hehe... i was in a town of a few indians.. and heck i had to tell them how WE DIDN'T play the lottery with the DOTS on our foreheads.. sheesh.. ignoramus idiots i tell ya!
All those who were referred to as Hindu instead of Indian raise their hand.
Me, Me!
All those who have given a Hinduism-is-a-religion-not-a-national-identity speech in return for blank stares raise their hand.
Me, Me!
Anyways I feel Native Americans want to stick with the "Indian" identity inspite of it being erroneously conferred upon them by the white man.
the best was differentiating
i am a hindu
i speak hindi (well actually gujarati, but whatever)
that was also hilarious....
gosh... loved being the brown kid on the block.. went to christian school from kindergarten-2nd grade, and was told i was going to hell and was devils child by the kids since i was the hindu... gotta love that!
Another possible fact related to south-asia and Columbus. According to wikipedia, the name of the capital of Sri Lanka, Colombo, is "derived from Sinhalese name Kola-amba-thota which means "harbour with mango trees" [and] altered by the Portuguese to honour Christopher Columbus"!
Is that true ?
name of the capital of Sri Lanka, Colombo, is "derived from Sinhalese name Kola-amba-thota which means "harbour with mango trees" [and] altered by the Portuguese to honour Christopher Columbus"!Is that true ?
I haven't heard of this before (why would they bother teaching kids about Columbus in SL really), but it sounds entirely possible. Many harbors still have non-anglicized names (Hambanthota, Benthota) but since Colombo was the biggest (in all of SA according to Wiki) it makes sense that the Portuguese would place their own stamp on it. By the way, Kola-amba-thota is closer to "green mango harbor."
Christopher Colombus --worst case of denial.
Seriously, Denial can be an ugly thing!
Any Indians with feathers here? :)
yeah. peacock feathers, yaar.
"Denial" is not just a river in Egypt.
What about when you actually convince the kids around the schoolyard that you're Indian from India and that you're Sikh, not *cough cough* sick, but turban Sikh. And not Osama Bin-Laden Muslim turban, but the only actual religion in the world that specifies the concept of a turban. And that you speak Punjabi and not Indian.
I think for every single first-generation born Indian in North America has been asked atleast once if they speak "Indian". What that language is that exactly? I have no idea. But when you say Punjabi, Hindi, Bengali, Telugu, Gujurati... It's more like "Huhhhh? You mean Indian right?"
woohoo...stupid colamebus day
