It’s Columbus Day here in the U.S., or Indigenous People’s Day in the republic of Berkeley. Let’s toast Amerigo Vespucci and Cristóbal Colón: the former for lending his name to the continent, the latter for one of the biggest geographic cockups of all time.
As we all know, Columbus was horndoggin’ it to the land of mirch masala. Like some lecherous old geezer, he ran across a couple of prepubescent bumps in the sea and mistook them for the Himalayas. Always happy to compound a mistake, he then foundered upon the continental shelf and called its inhabitants Indians.
Contrary to popular belief, most educated individuals in the 15th century, and especially sailors, already knew that the earth was round. What was not realized by Columbus, however, was just how big a globe it was. Columbus seriously underestimated the size of the planet. [Link]
He believed the peaks of Cuba were the Himalayas of India, which gives one a sense of just how lost he was… [Link]
Not just bad at math, he was a poor businessman to boot. You’d think he’d notice they had no jewels, silk or spices. And hello, no turbans? It apparently didn’t occur to him to ask the Arawak what they called themselves. No wonder Rome fell — the Italiano was Mr. Magoo playing with sailboats in a bathtub.
We live in the United States of HenryBecause of Columbo, we suffer the same irritation as when someone nabs our handle on Gmail. We suffer the same pain as being given a dorky nickname that stuck. We’re not Indians here but rather East Indians, we’re all Oriya here. We’re not Asians but rather South Asians, running on IST relative to the Chinese. We’re Asian Indians, dot not feather. Searching the card catalog at research libraries sucks. We did not get a neat moniker like As-Am. We’re stuck with rickety contraptions like South Asian American or Asian Indian American or just fuckin’ desi, yaar.
Since the number of Native Americans is just 0.003% the number of Indians, this naming scheme is pretty rude. It’s like calling that carbon fiber angel known as the Lamborghini Diablo a ‘horseless carriage.’ Ironically, India was at such a zenith at the time that ‘Indies’ also covered Southeast Asia:
The name “West Indies” originates from Christopher Columbus’ idea that he had landed in the Indies (then meaning all of south and east Asia) when he had in fact reached the Americas. [Link]
The Indies or East Indies (or East India) is a term used to describe lands of South and Southeast Asia, occupying all of the former British India, the present Indian Union, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Myanmar, Sri Lanka, the Maldives, and also Thailand, Malaysia and Indonesia… Iranian Baluchistan, Indochina, the Philippine Islands, Brunei, Singapore and East Timor. [Link]
… to avoid confusion, the New World came to be called the West Indies whilst the original Indies came to be called the “East Indies”. [Link]
And so the various East India Companies were born. Even the name of this continent went wrong, and thus the name of our country. That’s right — we live in the United States of Henry.
[Amerigo] Vespucci styled himself Americus Vespucius in his Latin writings, so Waldseemüller based the new name on the Latin form of Vespucci’s first name, taking the feminine form America… Amerigo itself is an Italian form of Haimirich (in English, Henry). [Link]
That Haimirich maneuver was totally uncalled for. O Henry — it’s Hank-y panky, Hal ol’ pal!
Here are some alternate theories on the naming of America and a different usage of ‘East Indian’:
East Indian are an ethnic or sub-ethnic group, based in and around the city of Bombay or Mumbai. These people, part of the original Konkani ethnic group, had been evangelized by force under Portuguese auspices…
… when immigrants from Portuguese-ruled Goa began to enter Bombay, in order to distinguish themselves from the Goans (whom the British also called Portuguese), they renamed themselves “East Indians”, purportedly after the British East India Company, in order to demonstrate their loyalty to the British, and as locals of Bombay as distinguished from the Goans. [Link]
