LMAO!! Awesome comments on the pic, Manish.

omg...that's a hoot!

what a riot.......i just looked at the picture with all the directed comments and knew it had to be a post by manish....totally jango post....nofixedadderess khush hua.....

come get your exotica, 2 rupya kilo..

nice comments man

You missed "the similarity between CATTLE and WOMEN" and that 'recipe before every chapter' thing was played out after Like Water For Chocolate.

Great infographic, Manish!

mmmm.......i am craving mangoes.... can't figure out for the life of me why ;)

Why can't you type arrows ?? guess it's the HTML angle brackets.

Should have come out looking like :
You missed "the similarity between CATTLE and WOMEN" {----- cows!

Manish, this reminds me of your Hum essay on your experiments with the matrimonials ads, which I read a hell of a long time ago. (In fact, I think searching for it is how I found your website a medium long time ago.)

I believe it came to me when my friend described himself as a voluptuous, colorful, pendant fruit. I don't know why that always gets my attention -- maybe 'cause I'm a vegetarian. He's a sensible guy not given to loquat-iousness, but there he sat, telling me he was an angiosperm. . ."From the first second they squeeze you like mangos," he said Dolefully. "'Hmm, this one seems ripe, this one looks good, this one looks bad. Let's try squeezing it here... Oh, no good there, let's try this other one.' I guess I don't like being sized up like that." . . . I tried to empathize, but it was fruitless. In the big shiny Supermarket o' Luuuv, my friend gets more than his fair share of squeezes -- and more often than not, he gets taken home. My homie's so Ex-press he's Mistah Nine Items Or Less. He walks down that aisle so much, he's freshness dated. Me, I'm that Pez left over from 1976. My man's an impulse buy; I'm a blue light special. He's livin' large at Lucky's, I'm stuck at Safeway. If he's Smuckers, I'm Goobers -- I'm chunky, he's smooth-spread.

South Asian women desire him like he was Lipton's Original with milk and shugah.

He plays Ben & Jerry's to my Bryl-Creem: at his parties he meets hip, progressive women, but mine are full of balding engineers. His lines go down like eggnog, mines like Russian peasant rye. He's up front and fresh-baked, I'm day old in the corner. He's the creme de cacao in the cocktail mix, I'm the plastic throw-away swizzle stick. My buddy's so sweet he needs a warning label. He's so phat, he's saturated.

He's so bad, he's in trouble with the en-tire F - D - A.

And out of the entire plant fiefdom, the bastard decides to call himself a mango. King of fruition. I guess that makes me a tomato -- also a fruit, if anyone bothers to look it up.

I still very vaguely think of mangoes as "King of the Angiosperms." So I am vaguely amused to see you equating them with the yoni here.

Um, I could not fix the italics and blockquoting on that at all. . . .maybe one of you admins could? everything up to the line about the tomatoes belongs to Manish.

Hillarious Manish! Great work with the arrows.

Man, I think the tropical-fruit-novel is ready to become kitschy. It's time I wrote my magnum opus titled "Portrait of a Bride as a Vestal Virgin" starting with these immemorable lines....

Once upon a time and a very warm summer time it was there was a mango ripening down my village road and this mango that was ripening met a spicy little chutney named aloo tikee.

Yeah, facts aren't really important here.

Delicious! :)

this stopped being slightly funny and moved into LMAO with the "misspelled ethnic press." awesome ;-)

Nice debate on a similar strain at this discussion on the forumhub site: Problem novel. Interesting observations....

Manish

Simply a magnificent post! So funny and true. Thank you :-)

fucking brilliant, manish. i hope the sepiates in the publishing world are printing color copies and placing them on their editors'/publishers' chairs...

(not that that will make any difference, of course.)

ROFL - very apt and very true!! LOL

Suyog

Manish, you are THE MAN. Ish! It's too funny na.

Seriously good shit.

And the Oscar goes to: "Author's name bigger than the book title".

M. Nam

Dead on, M.Nam. In case the book title isn't "exotic" enough, surely a sexy foreign name will grab the literary brown-ophile ;)

Ayyo, Devuda, Please spare us the Amulya. I know of many women from India like Amulya's protagonist (is seven OK?). Not one of them has experienced the fantasy that Amulya conjures up.

Manish great work!

Wow, it's like cliche heaven. All most like someone made it up. But no, it's a real book.

Well spotted.

Shoot, I'm not even a desi, but when I write a novel, I definitely gotsa have me a sari border...

and what's up with the misspelled ethnic press? what's up with the ethnic press' inability to spellcheck or punctuate properly, for that matter? I nearly sent back my issue of Little India magazine, this month, with proofreaders' marks all over it and an offer of my editing services.

That gave me a much-needed laugh. Great post! :)

I have been thinking about some novel titles we can use. Feel free to take them and then write a novel using them as your inspiration.

The God of Mangoes

Midday's Spices

The Scent of Sun and Guava

The Arranged Marriage

London Chutney Girl

+++++

Feel free to use the following technique to write your novel. Write down the following words on separate pieces of paper, put them in a bag, shuffle them, and then pull them out at random and stick on a poster in front of your writing desk in the space beside Parts One to Fifteen. This is just a guide, use your own words if you like. Voila, your plot.

The headings are:

-Arranged Marriage

-Crazy Aunty

-Wedding Scene

-The wonder and comfort of metaphorical potential of Indian food that your mother cooked

-Girl with magic powers preferably telepathy/intuition

-White boyfriend/girlfriend

-Bastard/Bitch Desi Boyfriend/Girlfriend

-Scene in temple

-Scene in nightclub

-Memories of grandparents and how warm they were with their old school folk wisdom

-Shame felt by protagonist as a youngster about being Desi

-Reconciliation with 'East' and 'West' (pathos filled)

-Uncovered Family Secrets

-Sari scene

-Uplifting tale of triumph over misunderstanding and the odds

+++++++

Best of luck!

To the Author/Publisher,
You got the Curry,
You got the Sari,
You got the spices and the tropical fruit,
.. would it have killed you to add the cast(e) ??? :-)

so riDICKulous, these publishing types. you're cent percent on, manish!

selena, that cracked me up. props, sistah!

it drives me c r a z y when i hear people say things like "if you're indian and you've got a book to write, now is the time to get it out there." because this - THIS - is the kind of sheeyat that comes out of such misplaced literary impulses.

It's quite funny that at first glance this seems like a real "how to" guide for book editors on the marketing of generic desi diaspora literature... I'm sure some publishing houses would find this quite useful! And I just noticed the mango as a symbolic 'yoni' is conveniently cupped at near-crotch level in the cover pic...

LOL. Excellent!

Selena, you've got this thing on lockdown.

If you've got a book to write, now is the time to get it out there.

Genius son...

Holy hell! "Aam" about to piss in my pants!

Teju Cole

I don't think I am ready to write a novel yet, but maybe one day! I will never rule it out as an ambition!

Being a writer is a hard life - first to write the book, then the disheartening and long journey of getting published, and then there is no guarantee that you ever will get published, and then the prospect of bad reviews if you do, bad sales, indifference, for little money or gain. And if you are a Desi or African or East Asian writer, there are so many expectations of what you should be writing (see above!) and there is only one thing that offends me more than animal cruelty and the taste of celery, and that is bad, bad, cliche ridden sterotype- addled lazy-minded literature. I should sooner bury myself and live underground forever than pander to this kind of curry fiction. Still, you should only try to write if you have the feeling to and as yet I am not ready to tackle a novel!

What about you? I just looked around your blog and you have an exquisite pen.

I love it! (And Selena, you are truly the master of the genre.)

May I add a few?

-- Scene of contemplated/attempted suicide

-- Some drama re: failure to impregnate/don't wish to be impregnated at the moment.

-- "Traditional desi good boy/girl" who acts as foil for protagonist.

-- Deluded zealously religious relative who finally comes out of denial to bond with protagonist at story's end.

Teju Cole

Did you read this piece in the latest edition of Granta Magazine? Very much in the same spirit as the above, a very good piece indeed.

'How to write about Africa'

Make sure you show how Africans have music and rhythm deep in their souls, and eat things no other humans eat. Do not mention rice and beef and wheat; monkey-brain is an African's cuisine of choice, along with goat, snake, worms and grubs and all manner of game meat. Make sure you show that you are able to eat such food without flinching, and describe how you learn to enjoy it—because you care.

Taboo subjects: ordinary domestic scenes, love between Africans (unless a death is involved), references to African writers or intellectuals, mention of school-going children who are not suffering from yaws or Ebola fever or female genital mutilation.

Rupa

Excellent! I really liked your plot points. And we must not forget:

-Bollywood References

-Undercover Gay or Lesbian Desi friend of the narrator sub-plot (further culture-clash potential)

The way we are going, I think that we should be able to input all of these into a computer and come up with some kind of Desi Novel writing software. We could sell it over the internet to desperate scribes in the diaspora:

++++

Want to be published? Fed up of being misunderstood? Have a whole heap of issues from your teenage years you want to deal with? Still cannot sleep at night thinking that the whole world is so unfair to you? Full of jealousy when you see Jhumpa Lahiri in the newspaper or hear of the latest Desi publishing sensation from the UK?

Dont worry! Help is at hand!

For only $39.99 you too can write a masterpiece of second generation confusion and be the envy of all your friends, and move from your current unfulfilling job in the backward no-mans land of the suburbs to sexy Notting Hill, London! Or Greenwich Village, New York! Mixing with international authors and lighting incense candles whilst debating the intricasies of art and making love to sophisticated white people instead of being asphyxiated by the small minded attitudes of your idiotic desi friends and family!

The Desi Novel Masala Grinder: Only $39.99 whilst stocks last! (£49.99 in the UK because you already have a head start)

(Money back gurantee if you do not marry a Venezuelan poet or French academic after purchasing this software and turning your back on the philistines you come from. Jhumpa Lahiri and Gautam Malkani need not apply)

Thanks for the good words Selena. The blog's up for another six days. It's been a good run.

I had indeed seen the Granta piece. I don't enjoy parody so much, but it does touch on some of the irritating things that creep into western writing about Africa.

Unfortunately (and this is probably me being cranky), Africans can also write pretty badly about Africa (relevant, as this thread is about Indians writing badly about India), and that's something that needs to be faced head on. The native informer is overrated.

And, besides, some of the things in Wainaina's piece do happen in Africa. We need a full-fledged war against cliche, but that war must not make us victim to political correctness. My latest post is on Africans eating...well, you'll just have to hop on over and see for yourself. :)

The Desi Novel Masala Grinder

LMAO. Oh Selena, that's just inspired...

this is awesome! lol! lmao!

Teju Cole

As I said, you have an exquisite pen, and a feeling for what is important. Do keep writing!

Awesome :-)
Also add a mention of keys jingling from waist-saree-knot :-)

Well, Manish and fellow Mutineers out there, here's my question to you:

What are some examples of cover art for desi novels that you like?

Looks like a "drag n drop" palette of desi visual/blurb cliches for book cover/jacket generation can be created for the publishing world. Maybe even some money to be made there...

What are some examples of cover art for desi novels that you like?

I picked up Anil's Ghost only because I liked the cover; I wasn't even really aware of who Michael Ondaatje was at the time.

I avoid the books with covers like this one Manish's taken apart... I just assume they'll be full of the ye olde india stuff I can't stand/identify with at all.

What are some examples of cover art for desi novels that you like?

I really like the stylish and suggestive cover of the British edition of Jhumpa Lahiri's The Interpreter of Maladies

speaking of ondaatje... i once saw the guy at the bagel shop across from the jewish cultural center off spadina and bloor - and you get lovely montreal bagels at the village grocery off bloor and bathurst - montreal of course has these amazing greasy spoons where -god bless them- they can serve a plate of pancakes like it was a work of art - i admit to prefer crepes over pancakes - but am yet to find a good crepery in toronto, dosa joints included. So ananthan, do you know of a place where a brother can get a good dosa in town?

Brilliant!

I love the poignancy of 'curry'!

man, but i loved this book. and the cover.

Do you know of a place where a brother can get a good dosa in town?

Hey, actually I don't. I'm a poor judge of food - I just eat it.