August 17, 2006
I for one welcome profilingHumor
Yesterday someone posted this clip (on our News Tab) of conservative radio host Mike Gallagher’s appearance on Fox News.
GALLAGHER: It’s time to have a Muslims check-point line in American airports and have Muslims be scrutinized. You better believe it. It’s time. [Link]
Today the House Homeland Security Chairman, U.S. Congressman Peter King (R-NY) said the following (thanks for the tip AM):
Declaring that airport screeners shouldn’t be hampered by “political correctness,” House Homeland Security Chairman Peter King has endorsed requiring people of “Middle Eastern and South Asian” descent to undergo additional security checks because of their ethnicity and religion.
Discussing the recent revelation of an alleged plot in England to blow up U.S.-bound airliners, the Seaford Republican said yesterday that, “if the threat is coming from a particular group, I can understand why it would make sense to single them out for further questioning…”Despite King’s endorsement of such a process, it is a technique that has been widely dismissed as a legitimate law enforcement tool. [Link]
This, by the way, is the same Peter King who said that supporters of Senate hopeful Ned Lamont were “bigots” and the same Peter King who is set to appear with Sen. Hillary Clinton on Sept. 11th at a “National Spirit of Unity” rally.
I have been thinking about this idea for a week now (even before King spoke out) and I fully support it. I think we should single out all arabs, middle eastern looking people, and South Asians. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing and if we play our cards right we can greatly benefit from it. The “Macaca line,” as it were, might actually move faster and more efficiently than the “American line” since brownish looking people are still a small minority in America (unless you count the Mexicans too). We could even lobby for a door to door airport shuttle that was guaranteed to be explosives free and would have dogs on board that we could pet and play with on the way to the airport (once they were done sniffing us). All of our tickets would be stamped with SSSS to ensure 4S service (“S” is like the new “Star”). We would have curbside check-in and our bags would all go through more advanced machinery (the kind airports can only afford one of). So that we wouldn’t get germs from the other passengers, our security screening area could be completely walled off. It seems that every time I travel I catch a cold, and so this would definitely be a perk. The other people would never even have to see us.
I already know what some of you are going to say to all of this (haters):
“You can’t tell a Muslim by the color of their skin or their appearance. There are black muslims, Asian muslims, and white muslims. How are we going to figure out who is Muslim so that we can give them this VIP treatment if they don’t want their identities revealed?”
Here are some concrete steps that I think all airports can take in order to make sure that no one slips by these more rigorous security checkpoints:
1) All TSA employees must be female virgins and there must be at least 50 of them at each TSA security line. Everyone knows that terrorists always wage their terror in order to be with virgins in the afterlife. This will draw them out of the general populace like flies toward warm sweet honey.
2) Every gate area should have a falafel joint. I freakin’ love gyros and falafels and so do most arabs and middle easterners. If someone orders food from one of these restaurants but hasn’t volunteered for the extra screening, then it should raise a red flag. Security can re-check all their bags.
3) Look for the desi “head shake.” When a passenger gets to the gate and asks the gate agent if the flight is on time, observe his/her reaction. Do they shake their head in response in that desi way? Even if they don’t look South Asian you know they must be.
Look, all I’m saying is that air travel is such a hassle these days. I for one welcome extra-profiling that will separate me from the commoners if it carries with it a lot of extra perks. The way I look at it, if U.S. Congressional representatives get treated in a certain way, then I don’t mind being treated in that same special way. You all know who Peter King’s colleague is on the House’s Homeland Security Commitee, right?
abhi on August 17, 2006 05:17 PM in Humor, News, Politics, Religion · T·r·a·c·k·b·a·c·k address · Direct link · Email post
Abhi, even though I disagree with you on other issues, on this one you have probably changed my opinion. Thanks for your informative essays on the racial profiling issue.
Nice ideas..
i'd add one more..
1) Offer free steak/bacon to the travellers and find out who takes/declines that offer.
You can figure out the Hindutva / jihadi terrorists.. Though the current focus is on the "jihadi" side, I wanted to be politically correct in this blog..
:-)
You also forgot:
1. Permanently brand every brown person with a crescent tattoo on their forehead, regardless of whether or not they are actually Muslim, because the saying goes, "if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck..."
Really Abhi, modeling your post after the Kent Brockman "I for one welcome our new insect overlords" broadcast. Bravo!
On a serious note, I was absolutely raging when I read the article the first time and told all my peeps to go read it.
On a not so serious note, I see a definate Sepia Destiny potential in these "special" lines. I mean, this could be the new place where people go to find their soul mates. Lines could be sponsored by shaadi.com and have their own personal bollywood themed songs instead of the generic music they play over the intercom. I see potential here.
Peter King - that guy is classic. How many moneyed indians has he collected cash from out on Strong Island I wonder...?? Demand a refund!!
At at 2 of the recent london suspects were non-"dark" converts, and of course Richard Reid, Jose Padilla (though his case is murky), the black haitian trumped-up flunkies in florida, etc. Let's not even talk about nonmuslims like old Tim McVeigh.
I know Muslims with sandy brown hair and green eyes, this is pretty shabby. They need to focus on smart questioning tactics that trip people up over this visual profiling.
I for one show up with my brown ass at the security lines with a hotdog in one hand and a jack daniels on the rocks in the other - combine that with my rolling stones t-shirt (with the big ass lips/tongue) and i always breeze by! ;-))
dont forget the Chechyns, who come from the are that spawned teh term caucasian.
The Brits are expressing doubt about profiling (don't get them wrong, theyd like to do it, but they fear the inevitable guano storm), but not so the leaders of some other European countries. Which? Prepare to be surprised:
Your endorsement of profilin' is all good, but it doesn't answer the two main questions (apologies to Mos Def and Common):
1) Why you gotta act like a macaca all the time?
2) Is the macaca in your complexion, or is it all in your mind?
I don't know. It's the questions (what?), the questions (say it), the questions...
This statement is too general. Things just aren't this simple. This is how the yanks/brits paint the situation.
This statement is too general. Things just aren't this simple. This is how the yanks/brits paint the situation.
Dude, it was satire. Hello? Hillarious Abhi.
Just finished reading the linked article. Is it me or are Peter King's quotes in the article rather aggressively "spliced together"? Whatever his original quote was, it's darn near impossible to figure it out from the article.
Thanks dude.
Taz, i was thinking about that but I have a feeling that I already sound to desperate. :)
Venkat, this was a concern for me as well. I went to several sources and couldn't find the original transcript. Let's see how it unfolds.
And they can issue us expensive, prescreened personal hygiene products at check-in, which will ensure that our original plans are not disrupted when we attend weddings.
1. Profiling already occurs.
2. You assume competency on the part of airport security.
3. This is a cost-based policy for aiports and airlines because they don't want to invest in better technology. It's more hassle free in terms of frontloaded fixed costs but is prone to backloaded costs via litigation opportunities.
If one assumes that airline security is a weakpoint (debatable), here's an idea- divide by sex. One security check-in for women, one for men and the male line will obviously take alot longer.
As long as they discriminate between Indians and Pakistanis. i.e, Target Pakistanis and Bangladeshis all you want, but leave Indians out of this.
One important mandate that you missed is that we should not complain when we're placed in one of the special lines.
Back in my pre-Enlightened days and a year after 9/11, I was consistently placed in one of these queues when flying. Like an ignorant fool, I pointed out to the blonde gate attendant that she was racist for singling me out, and the clear evidence was that the only people in my new queue were black and desi when the flight was 80% white. As a result, she told the next three Caucasians to join me in line, thus reducing the "specialness" of my line. They, of course, were rapturous to receive the extra attention I'd become accustomed to.
So to those who want to guarantee our shorter lines with its benefits like being fondled, questioned about your life (pretend its a date!), and ordered around (like an S&M date!), please don't complain.
When do I get my yellow badge in the mail?
Hand out yellow crescents to be worn visibly.
Free chauffeur service to the airport, with dogs to play with on the ride over?
Sign me up!
Oh wait, but wait a minute.
I was seen off at Brussels airport a few years ago by a friend and his dog (you know those Belgians and their chiens), and because I'd been playing with the dog before boarding, when I arrived in Amrika, the sniffing drug/agricultural beagle was glued to me...
Best.Idea.Ever. and best name too! Sepia Destiny!
I got so angry reading the first section of the post, and then I read "macaca." I love this new trend. It's like drugs: everything's hilarious with a little macaca thrown in.
I feel the same about the macarena. Hold it! Are you thinking what I'm thinking???
Once again, that proves that NO ONE takes the Nation of Islam seriously...
Is SM going to host a SSSSnakes on a Plane party tomorrow?
The Macaca line, as it were, might actually move faster and more efficiently than the American line since brownish looking people are still a small minority in America (unless you count the Mexicans too). We could even lobby for a door to door airport shuttle that was guaranteed to be explosives free and would have dogs on board that we could pet and play with on the way to the airport (once they were done sniffing us).
Genius. This is why we have to get you into poltical office!
and Taz too. The blog could make a killing by selling special Sepia Destiny calling cards that people would exchange while standing in line.
Stay tuned for my very next post...
As if. When's the last time you stood in any line with Macacas? They wont queue up properly, and when you try to get them organized, it's like herding Macacas.
I already wrote about that, see the post above ;)
Abhi,
And I thought
How immature of me.
I don't know what you're thinking, but I'm thinking macaca-rena.
Someone translate from Spanish to Hindi (I guess?). Stat!
Oh, there's already a Hindi version of the Macarena. I know this well. I know this b/c sometime in December of 1996 you could have found me squealing and hiding in the backseat of an open convertible that was blaring this Hindi Macarena at the top of its loudspeakers as it spend its way to Vik's, as the driver and front passenger mocked me and my homegirls in the backseat. They knew we would be mortified if anyone spotted us listening to such a song, so they did their best ot make sure someone would.
From superhit Auzaar. I think there was a second attempt made too but I can't remember that one. Must not have been a superhit.
You need a woman =)
sweet jesus neha,
to pull out the hindi version of macarena with such ease....i hereby anoint you as the 'antakshari queen' of sepiamutiny....
chachi 420(an excellent desification of mrs doubtfire) had this song which was called macarena..the composition was entirely different though...
Holy bazooka, batgirl! I'm gushing with love for you, Neha. Just so we're straight: you'll always have a macarena partner in Brooklyn.
Best song ever. I am your biggest fan Neha
I was about to go to sleep and now I have that song stuck in my head.
Now instead of drifting off to sweet dreams, my brain goes
LOVELY AANKHEN, MITHI BAATEIN, STYLE HAI TERA, WALA WALA
DEKHTE HI, SEETEE MAARE KARTA HAI VO, HULLA GULLA
Damn you Neha.
:P
Inspired by the ladies above, here is my humble contribution:
Ek aankh maroon to parda hat jaaye
Dooji aankh maroon kaleja kat jaaye
Dono aankhen maroon to chhori pat jaaye, chhori pat jaaye
I for one am willing to offer my services to inspect those in the uncut line.
Like Fair and Handsome.
ha good one - the line would move quickly? :-)
well Abhi perhaps you've never been to the Middle East? Your suggestion would end up ( due to racial assumptions that you appear to share) with the brownish people in the line - and a hell of a lot of Arabs aren't very brown at all! ( just as many as there are browner ones..) and can easily pass for white ( surnames are a giveway sometimes but not always the case.) so yeah, it would end up being the darker south-asians stuck mostly in the queue..
but this has already been the case, right after 9/11 every time i went anywhere just by virtue of muslim surname ( and foreign nationality) used to have to get checked all the time. it's hardly anything new is it/ we've all had to put up with extra checks and longer check-in times.
heh heh i'm looking forward to these extra perks already..
gotta have a sense of humour about all this stuff - !
Some one else wants to take advantage the same way.
I take back my previous post ie # 37. I thought there was an antakshari going on but apparently Andrea just added a few lines from the same song.
I'm sorry Andrea, this macaca song is like that only. "Why do you want my dil yaar?" :-)
And Topcat, antakshari or no antakshari, a Bappi tune is ALWAYS welcome. They always make me want to dance around "ganney ke kheton mein" wearing sequins :-D
"On a not so serious note, I see a definate Sepia Destiny potential in these "special" lines. I mean, this could be the new place where people go to find their soul mates. Lines could be sponsored by shaadi.com and have their own personal bollywood themed songs instead of the generic music they play over the intercom. I see potential here."
That's hilarious Taz.........i can't stop laughing.
I think the lyrics to the national anthem should be changed from "...and the home of the brave" to "..and the home of the people afraid of people who look like MAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAA'SSSSSSSSS"
hey, check it out: what if we all DEMANDED to be checked/fondled/doublechecked etc? what if every brown person who went to an airport made the authorities check them? what if? i'll tell you what if. we'll expose this whole trend for the ridiculous sham of security that it is. if you get in the way of people's convenience, or the flow of money, people will see what is effective and what isn't, and we'll start getting security initiatives that actually work.
Britain used to check Indian/ SAsian women for virginity.