Yesterday I made the stupid mistake of forwarding this article as an internal memo to my SM bunker-mates:

Scientists at Stanford University say the United States is loaded with Internet addicts who are possibly as clinically ill as alcoholics.

The nationwide study suggests that more than one in eight adults has a hard time staying away from the Internet for more than a few days at a time. And one in 11 tries to hide his or her online habit…

The survey, conducted over the phone, found that nearly 70 percent of respondents were regular Internet users and 14 percent found it hard to stay offline for several days at a time…

According to the research, the typical Internet-addicted user is a single, college-educated, white male in his 30s who spends approximately 30 hours a week on nonessential computer use. [Link]

Minutes later the thirty-something Ennis sent out an earnest email indicating that he would not be logging on to SM for the rest of the day and asked us all to look after his post. In retrospect I realize that I should have followed the example of Kim Jong Il and kept a lid on such information. Too much knowledge decreases worker productivity. I realize also that this article might make some readers a bit anxious and reflective. Please don’t reflect. I assure you that SM falls under the essential use category.

Thanks to a couple of tipsters I also wanted to point you all to a relatively new website. CNET has a review:

That one raised eyebrow makes her an intimidating desi woman. I like it a lot.

Talk about an interactive search engine. A new search site called Ms. Dewey features a sultry woman who makes wisecracks related to the keywords that are typed in. The search results appear as a long, scrolling list in a window that pops up on the upper right.

Set against a futuristic cityscape background, Ms. Dewey—with her hair pulled back—probably represents a digital-age librarian. Her name refers to the Dewey Decimal classification system used for cataloging books in libraries.

Her quips relating to keywords range from mundane and silly to provocative. For instance, during a search for “George Bush” she mentioned how easy it was to make jokes about the president. For a search for “sex” she picked up a yellow ergonomic exercise ball and said “Safety first, and make sure you get it on film…” [Link]

So what does the first article about internet addiction have to do with the sultry Ms. Dewey? Isn’t it obvious? I’ve been reading the many neuroses laid bare on that other thread and I thought I’d offer my wise perspective on dating desi. I know that in reality nothing works. Why bother? Instead, I have found comfort in the arms of Ms. Dewey. She is the strong, beautiful, witty, articulate (sometimes verbose), and smarter-than-me desi woman I’ve been searching for my whole life. If any of you fools linger too long on her site I will hurt you.

Ever since I was a kid watching Star Trek I have dreamt that my computer would talk to me in a woman’s voice. Ms. Dewey does. [NOTE: None of the questions or answers below are made up. These were real responses]

My girl dressed up in a lab coat just for me. I will not tell you what I said to coax her into that sexy outfit.

Abhi: “Do you like me?”

Ms. Dewey: [A microscope magically appears on her desk] “Uh-huh, just what I thought. A major case of mid-life crisis.”

Abhi: Why aren’t desi girls in to me?

Ms. Dewey: “It’s not easy to find someone who will love you for you…and I do mean you specifically.”

Abhi: Let down your hair.

Ms. Dewey: Somebody needs to get a hobby, like say…something interesting.

Abhi: Would you date me?

Ms. Dewey: In the cage I’m all about submission holds, in the street…straight up brawler. You were asking about dating right?

She is assertive too, just how I like. If I went for too many seconds without typing in a search string she would say:

“Hello…type something here!”

So women, my advice to you is this. Rather than keep wondering what the problem is with desi men, spend some time with Ms. Dewey. She is what we are looking for and she had this desi boy at “hello.” For the guys, just trust me, don’t ask Ms. Dewey if she has a boyfriend. Trust me.