May 21, 2007
"Tell them that it can happen to anybody"News
A writer to the tip line draws our attention to a terrible death in Indiana: “Nupur Srivastava was a distant relative’s daughter and my mother knew her well. Everyone is distraught over her passing, especially given the circumstances.” Srivastava died last week after being in an induced coma since April 3 with third degree burns over 80 percent of her body. She was allegedly doused with gasoline and set on fire by her boyfriend, Michael Wilson, who is now charged with murder. Both Srivastava and Wilson were 33.
Srivastava’s family has an important message:
[Srivastava] was rebuilding her life, setting herself on a road to recovery from alcohol abuse and toward a career in public relations or event management, [her sister Ritu] Adams said. Others saw Srivastava, petite at less than 95 pounds, as “drop-dead gorgeous,” but her sister’s low self-esteem prevented her from seeing herself as beautiful, Adams said.
She suspects that contributed to her sister staying in an abusive relationship. Police investigators are piecing those details together, Adams said. The family simply wants Nupur’s story to resonate with others.
“Tell them that it can happen to anybody,” Veena Srivastava pleaded.
“She was doing so good,” Adams said of her sister’s fresh start. “Maybe she was afraid to leave him. There are a lot of women who probably won’t speak out because they’re ashamed of their past, but that shouldn’t matter.
“People say, ‘It can’t happen to me.’ Guess what? It happened to my sister.”
Update: That link either moved or is now broken. For more information, please try here.
siddhartha on May 21, 2007 11:27 AM in News · T·r·a·c·k·b·a·c·k address · Direct link · Email post
Its sad that it takes an incident like this to underscore the message:
Domestic violence is not constrained to any particular community, class , race or country.Its international and endemic.
We have recently had so many controversial discussions even here at SM about DV being more prevalent in the South Asian community etc.Then something like this happens that turns one's worldview upside down.Nupur was South Asian , her boyfriend ( at least from his name) does not appear to be South Asian .It really can happen to anyone.
It should not be a surprise that DV exists outside of the desi community as well. Gurinder Chadha films notwithstanding, it's a mistake to think that brown boys beat and white boys do not. There may be a difference in prevalence, but that's one of degree not type.
This is so sad. She is my age. I was feeling old this weekend, but now reading about the horrible way this woman's life was cut sort, I feel young again, am reminded how much more time there is for living.
For me there are parts of the story that strikes me as very interesting. It seems the victim's boyfriend was American (judging from the name); but the dousing of the victim with gasoline - that sounds of course what is a prevalent form of abuse of women in South Asia.
Did the American boyfriend (if he is) read about this sort of abuse in India and in his twisted mind decide to perpetuate it on his Indian-American girlfriend? That's really horrible. I understand burning his girlfriend may have had nothing to do with anything he might have read about happens in South Asia, but since it is prevalent in South Asia, I am left to wonder if reading about incidents like this in South Asia, influenced his method of murder.
photos of victim and accused available here
He was white. If I find the mugshot, I'll post it. What a horrific way to suffer, and what timing...he killed her the day she tried to leave.
We have recently had so many controversial discussions even here at SM about DV being more prevalent in the South Asian community etc.
Having been involved in an API DV organization for several years now (the organization tries to raise awareness about DV in the API community and offers culturally and linguistically sensitive methods of assistance if a survivor desires it)one thing we cannot conclude is that DV is more prevalent in the API community.
Sometimes people assume that because we have a DV organization that specifically hopes to assist the API American community, that DV is more prevalent in our culture.
There's no statistics to that ----- the need for API American DV organizations stems from the need to meet cultural and linguistic needs.
#3 PS,
Agni maybe Indian, but fire is universal. Burning is NOT some special Indian method of killing. Would it have been better if he had killed her by dragging her with a harvestor or a tractor with a plough as many 'accidents' for insurance claims have happened in Texas and elsewhere?
Agni,
No, any form of abuse is horrible - I'm not sure why you asked that question, even if it was supposed to be rhetorical.
Burning is NOT some special Indian method of killing.
Of course burning a woman doesn't only occur in South Asia...but there is no denying that it is a prevalent form of abuse in that culture. In order to understand what would be the best intervention methods for survivors of abuse, it's important to understand the prevalence of certain types of abuse in a community. It would also be important I would think, from a legal standpoint in proving/disproving a crime.
I am sorry to say that its a question of opportunity and access
Burning has no great cultural significance .
In the US access to guns is relatively easy ergo the large number of gun related crimes
In India, lots of "accidents" happen beacuse of kitchen stoves , hence the large number of burning incidents
As common as domestic violence is, in all races, it still shocks me reading something like this. Incredibly sad. Thoughts and prayers to her family.
Mainstream statistic:
* 70% of female homicides are by partners (spouses or boyfriends).
* Most dangerous time for a woman in a violent relationship is when she attempts to leave.
Sonya
but there is no denying that it is a prevalent form of abuse in that culture
Because
There is huge prevalence of kerosene stoves and illumination lamps all over India. Still, kerosene is used as a primary domestic fuel in addition to coal, something that was quite common in 18th-early 19th century USA. Therefore, it is a handy instrument for violence.
As Runa and others have said, in America, guns are prevalent, and they are...........
Totally f*cked up. I wonder if it's a first or second degree murder charge, from the looks of this guy, he probably couldn't locate Indiana on a map, much less India. I doubt he had the capacity to choose "death by fire" as it would be some morbid twisted statement about her culture..
Runa #9, and Khush Tandon #12 -- you make a very important observation. I think people link Sati with all this, and as you say, overlook the fact that it is convenient not cultural. It is unfortunately a ghastlier and more painful way of meetings one's end. It is also probably a very difficult and messy way to murder someone but easier to put an 'accident' spin on it. And as the header says, barbarian acts sound alien until it happens to someone you know. Or is perpetrated by someone you know.
Sandeep,
Also, all most majority of violence in India is "kerosene" (arson) induced.
Caste wars, religious violence and riots, revenge, self-immolation - the primary means is through kerosene and fire. Muslims burn down Hindus, Hindus burn down Muslims when there are riots.
Yes, it is just so handy and affordable.
Burning=weapon of choice in South Asia because it's convenient, not because South Asians are obsessed with fire. Agreed. Still, it's surprising that the WASP-looking guy in Indiana chooses to kill with fire. Would have been so much easier to kill with a CO leak.
Maybe I’m wrong but he seems to be saying: "This is how one deals w/ Desi women". Not only does he kill her, he impugns Desi culture. Acknowledging the message doesn't mean you agree with it.
What a horrible, horrible story.
Also culture can encompass what is "handy and affordable" - culture encompasses economics.
"Still, it's surprising that the WASP-looking guy in Indiana chooses to kill with fire. Would have been so much easier to kill with a CO leak. "
Again, this guy looks like he has just enough brain power to tie his shoe. It's a shame this lady felt she had to be with him, even the older sister shares this sentiment:
Adams was unclear about when and how her sister met Wilson, and she wasn't aware of serious problems in the relationship. But she says looking back, there were signs -- changes in her sister's behavior, incidents friends witnessed --
So if the guy is obviously F(#$29cked in the head, he's not going to think to himself, "hmm. gee. how can I kill her and make a political statement at the same time?" Unless of course, the entire act was premeditated, which is why I was curious of the first vs. second degree murder charge.
This tragedy reminds me of Yvette Cade, who was set on fire at her job by her estranged husband, who walked in with a water bottle full of gasoline, threw it on her and then lit a match. Both Cade and the man who nearly murdered her are black. Abuse and rage see no color.
Truly sad & horrific. Why is it that we don't see this case featured on 'Nancy Grace'? Unless I missed it...
Not to detract from this incident, but I just checked out www.yvettecadefund.org, and that's some powerful stuff on that site.
And grounds for a coverup because there are so many real accidental burnings. My father told me a story once about being at a friend's house when the stove exploded. The new bride was wearing chiffon, which was highly flamable, and herself caught on fire. Luckily they were able to extinguish it before any permanent harm was done, but the combination of those stoves and synthetic clothing is a dangerous one. It's not just the availability of kerosene.
...from the looks of this guy, he probably couldn't locate Indiana on a map, much less India...
...this guy looks like he has just enough brain power to tie his shoe...
HMF, obviously, if the guy did what he's accused of, he's evil, but is there any need to go down this road....? Assumptions about relative "intelligence"... from a police mug shot??! For all you know, he has a PhD in physics, but either way, what does it matter?
A PhD in physics? Who's being naive, kay?
It matters in so far as it relates to speculations on his "rationale" for using fire vs. a gun vs a crossbow, if you contend that question of "why did he use fire..?" is itself irrelevant, then I would more or less agree with you.
True and i'm sure PG or a PG clone will endeavour to explain how the perpetrator was really Bharat Mata in caucasian clothes.
A PhD in physics? Who's being naive, kay?
Nothing personal (i.e., this isn't an attach on you), but is your comment for real? Do you think you can assume anything about anyone from a headshot, police mugshot no less?
That's about as bad as a whole lot of scary and offensive analogies I can think of... Sorry, but any way you slice it, it just is.
It wasn't just the mugshot, it was articles, coverage, other pictures, plus this incident occurred in Indiana, where, yes I do believe its a safe assumption to make that most caucasian Indiana residents don't know squat about India, and Indian customes beyond the very superfical and cursory, which would surely not include the historical significance of immolation.
Now yes of course everything you say may well be true, but given all those particulars, the probability of him actually choosing death by fire as some kind of acknowledgement of perceived "backwards" traditions in India, are increasingly small.
Oh, I definitely agree that this incident probably had no connection whatsoever to wife-burning in India. That seems a bit far-fetched. My point was just that we don't really know anything about this guy "from the looks of him": you may very well be right and he could be barely Cro-Magnon. Then again, maybe he went to Bloomington... Heinous crimes definitely aren't confined to rednecks.
I was kinda curious about how the paths of these two people who seem to come from such different backgrounds crossed and led to this. (I'm basing this on what I've read in the media so far)
That phrase was used for brevity, going to IU and being Cro Magnon aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.
I noticed in the story that her sister name was Ritu Adams and but Nupur had the same last name as her parents. So I guess that her sister married a man with a last name of Adams. I don't know of too many desi's with the last name Adams.
HMF wrote:
Why you gotta bring Indiana into this. This guy was a monster--that about sums it up.
This is just awful - heartfelt condolences to the victim and family, and thanks to Siddhartha for bringing this to light.
I just have to chime in and say this is of course not at all culturally related. Further, the choice to burn someone to death in no way related to your intelligence or whatnot. DV is gruesome, and as ANNA mentioned, it sees no color. Some people are sick enough to enjoy the slow, painful, tortuous death that a burn victim faces. And if that person survives, they are disfigured for life -- either way it is one of the most violent and grotesque ways to kill a person -- it's similar to acid burning that way... which, p.s., also happens in the U.S. and is used by non-browns as well.
When I saw this story in the morning here, I thought it might turn into a total troll fest due to the background of the man in the background. I am glad to see it has not. Of course I had feeling that HMF would go off on a few rants but the race of the man, but other then that nobody else has.
Like a few other people have said DV is a problem in all groups.
As for HMF, is there any part of the United States that you do like. In the past you have attacked the south and now you going after the midwest.
Kusala, don't ever take sides with anyone against the Family again. Ever.
Manju, I believe the appropriate response should have been:
PhDs in physics don't kill people?
Ugh. My bringing it up had nothing to do with the crime, it has to do with speculations about his motivation for using fire, as it may connect to some morbid fascination with bride burning, etc... Why must I explain this over and over again? I don't know.
a man is murdered by his wife. it's the man's fault.
a woman is murdered by her boyfriend. it's the man's fault.
nice. two posts one after the other.
remember - it's the man's fault. always!
because all women are princesses straight out of fairy tales. they are incapable of lying, never cheat, never deceive anyone. If Ahluwalia says he beat her and she did nothing in return, then it must be true. and of course women simply cannot hit anyone physically. I must have been dreaming when my wife hit me. I must be the bad guy.
of course, it's the man's fault.
There's a lot of different angles to this story going on. But I just have to support one angle before I get back to my work ----
International pressure had a lot to do with the US passing its immigration laws - many black activists appealed to the international community to see America's hypocrisy in its Jim Crow domestic laws as compared with the International Human Rights.
Some commentators seem to think that this takes away from American civil rights activists - why would this be the case?! Instead it shows that the activists, just like those of today, are smart enough to use the international stage to propel US laws to meet their potential. It is a very important strategy that works in an increasingly globalized world.
World War II had a lot to do with American civil rights activists voice getting louder and more influential. As many American civil rights leaders pointed out to the world ---- how/why can Americans fight and die for human rights in other countries, when they do respect human and civil rights for their own citizens.
I'm reading John Hope Franklin's biography - as an eminent historian, who was invited often overseas for talks and conferences, he used this international platform to speak about America's problem with racism and he often states that this international platform could help in ending racism at home.
Sorry as usual I wrote in a rush and made a mistake -
Correction: International pressure had a lot to do with the US passing its immigration laws - I meant to say: International pressure had a lot to do with the US passing its civil rights laws.
Okay another mistake -
World War II had a lot to do with American civil rights activists voice getting louder and more influential. As many American civil rights leaders pointed out to the world ---- how/why can Americans fight and die for human rights in other countries, when America does not respect human and civil rights for their own citizens.
yes, that would've been better.
This is why I'm for capital punishment. The world is much better off without men like this. Death to all rapists and women beaters!
Nice
I must have been dreaming when my wife hit me. I must be the bad guy.
of course, it's the man's fault.
No one deserves to be hit or abused in any way...man or woman. If you are being abused (verbally, mentally, emotionally, or physically) you need to get help immediately. If you don't wish to call a South Asian agency here in the US (list here: http://www.maitri.org/res_usa.html), you can also call the National DV line: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Abuse is no different for a man than a woman. In my 14 years at Maitri, I have worked with several men who were being emotionally and physically abused by their wives and the stories can be as grim as male on female violence.
I urge to reach out and get help.
Sonya
Phew!
I bet some men who are being abused by women are too ashamed to seek help because of the image of their un-masculine if people find out.
Red Snapper
You are so right. So many men don't initially reach out until the situation becomes quite unbearable. The same is true for a lot of desi women and also the gay and lesbian population. In this group, the feeling is that you are being disloyal to your same sex partner after the battles of being accepted by the families, friends, and community at large. This can be even more scarier if one or both of the gay/lesbian couple are not out.
Power and control and abuse among partners follows pretty much the same pattern whether it is male on female violence, female on male violence, or same sex violence. I hear the same exact words/reasonings/fear/shame from the men I've worked with as from the women I've worked with.
Sonya
Sonya,
why then are DV laws made to specifically exclude men from protection and exclude women from cupability? In India, Section 498a of the IPC and the new "Protection of Women from DV Act 2005" are amazing in their injustice towards men. They are a disgrace. but it's all justified unde the umbrella of "it's always the man's fault".
I'm a sane, intelligent guy and so managed to identify the abuse for what it was, and got out of the relationship 3 years ago, but have not been able to divorce her yet, thanks to international complications and the biased Indian laws that allow a woman to blackmail a man, no matter what her conduct was like.
I knew Nupur and her family, and her cousin, Richesh, is extremely dear to me. Please sign the petition below if you wish to support her family and help ensure that justice is achieved in her case.
http://www.petitiononline.com/nupurs
And to "nice": I completely agree with the fact that abused men are both overlooked and underserved. Having researched and written a piece in law school about the Indian DV bill when it was first introduced in Parliament over there, I can say that the original proposal itself had various loopholes and inadequately addressed even the concerns of Indian women, the majority of victims of DV. A start, yes, but there existed much ground that it failed to cover, and likely still does.
What's even more unfortunate is people like the ones youve mentioned screw it up for women who have legitamite grievances.
Nice:
You said:
why then are DV laws made to specifically exclude men from protection and exclude women from cupability? In India, Section 498a of the IPC and the new "Protection of Women from DV Act 2005" are amazing in their injustice towards men. They are a disgrace. but it's all justified unde the umbrella of "it's always the man's fault".
Because the reality is that the largest percentage of abuse happens to be male on female. Mainstream studies in the United States have shown that 93% to 95% of heterosexual abuse happens to be male on female.
Sonya
Chandni, do you happen to know anything about the guy in question? While it's obviously agreed that he's deranged, and mentally unstable, is there anything else noteworthy? Has he had some kind of history?
But, couldn't this be skewed by the fact that most female on male abuse (which I'd say is mostly non-physical) goes unreported? BTW, I don't disagree with the majority abuse being in the male-->female direction, but 93%-95% seems awfully skewed.
HMF, male on female abuse is significantly underreported as well. I'm not disagreeing with you, just saying that then we'd have to speculate about what goes more unreported, and how much moreso.
HMF
The statistics are not culled from police reports but from studies/surveys etc. that are done in various communities through many research groups. It is very possible there might be bias but not by much in my opinion.
Sonya
That doesn't change the argument, studies and surveys still require a human being to verbally convey to another human being, and I'd say if we're using surveys and studies are benchmarks, they'd be more likely to include male reports of abuse as they'd not be frequently as physical. In addition to lack of reporting, I'd argue the male claims that are made, are not as likely to be taken as seriously as female claims.
Also, another point to be made, abuse is not necessarily always unilateral, it musn't always be: is this male on female, or female on male? It could be both, when you open it to non-physical, you're casting the net very wide.
Either way, I think 'nices' point is an important one.
By the way, this document:
http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/DomesticViolence.pdf
states 85% of intimate partner violence was directed at women, and 15% directed at men. Those figures ring a bit more credulous.
Opposers to 498a sadly come across as crazy, even though some, maybe most of them, have genuine grievences.
I've gone to several of their sites/blogs and they link to crazy-ass Western men who have been jilted by their wives and are since bitter and cent-per-cent against feminism in any form. Yep, many of those sites in turn have links to "Phillipina brides" sites. Those are the milder ones. A few spew so much hate against women that they advise men to not get into relationships with women at all, at any time. Can't repeat here the kind of language used towards women on such sites. And these are linked to on those 498a opposition sites/blogs, in turn giving them a bad name/appearance. They should choose their company wisely if they wish to be taken seriously.
Muralimannered, yeah right. I've witnessed DV in my own extended family so I know how abusive black (and white) men can be. However, her culture, her society, her community, her family and her friends were all PRO-DIVORCE and RE-MARRIAGE.
A tragic coincedence is that Yvette Cade (fire abuse victim) and Nupur are both from the same county in Maryland.
When this was blogged a few days ago, I did not want to express my views since more often than not they are misunderstood by some passionate gunslingers and I end up spending time trying to make them understand where I am coming from. Moreover, the girl's family could be reading this blog and my post could have been misconstrued as "blaming the victim".
Since the passion of posters has cooled down a bit, I think it's time I said what I intended to.
The title of the post is: "Tell them it can happen to anybody". I disagree. It happens to people who jump into relationships without doing due diligence. Sometimes bad things happen to good people who are not careful.
I'm an ardent watcher of police dramas, crime shows and courtroom theatrics. In all of the DV cases that I've seen, read or heard about, two items stand out in common:
1. The abused person did not know the abuser's history before they met.
2. The abused person dies or suffers near-death just when they try to break free of the relationship.
First
Almost all of DV cases(in the west) start out with "love at first sight" or "felt some deep connection". The man and woman met in a situation where the families were not involved at all and were notified only after the woman squealed "Yes Yes" after gazing at the diamond ring. In almost all cases the woman knew nothing about the man's past before she met him, and when asked the man never gave a straight answer or did not meet her eye. In almost all cases the man did not like it when the woman called him at work or dropped in at his work to say hi.
If you read the links, Nupur's family knew next to nothing about the man. Indeed, Nupur's sister did not appear to be sure where they met in the first place. In my book, this is a red flag.
In India, the families do get involved due to the nature of marriages, but most DV happens in families where they don't know each other's pasts. Bride's dad in Kanpur scans prospective grooms' bio-data: Same Caste? Check. Horoscope match? Check. Has a job? Check. Well, let's go ahead with the wedding! Do you know their history? Do you know how the groom's father treats his mother? Do you know if the groom throws violent fits at his work against his subordinates? Do you know if the groom beats up the driver if there is a spec of dust on the car? Do you know how the groom's married brother treats his wife?
I recently learnt of a DV case within my own extended family in India. He was always demeaning and cruel to her over the years, and lately was carrying on an affair. She bore all that "for the kids". When her parents spoke to his parents, they were sorry but offered the excuse that "He never listened to us, even as a child". The last straw came when he burnt her really bad because she refused to have a threesome with him and the other woman and threatened to leave. Their horoscope matched perfectly, though.
Know the person's past before you get involved in a relationship. There needs to be fairly intimate knowledge of his/her temperament at least since puberty. Find out how he/she deals in professional relationships. Most DV abusers are usually cruel to their subordinates at work and sycophants to their bosses.
Second
If you need to break the relationship, there's no need to announce it to him. The day you walk off, make a nice juicy steak, pour a bottle of wine, put on ESPN. Tell him that you're out of gravy and need to go to the grocery store. Don't come back.
It pains me to see women make the same mistakes over and over again - regardless of country, culture or generation.
M. Nam
Moornam: Would it be fair to say that you have a somewhat caricatured view of American society?
Moornam # 60
I wish life were as black and white as you portray it to be -with no shades of grey at all!
Boy, Moornam....you've generalized a lot in #60, and admittedly based on what TV/movies have shown you.
Tell him that you're out of gravy and need to go to the grocery store. Don't come back.
Yeah, it's just that easy. Because there is absolutely no way he could track you down if you left. Good grief.
What if he's a vegetarian? And I know what you're thinking, just get one of those boca-steaks.... But they aren't guaranteed to make you feel "heavy" enough to not be able to run after the girl. Also, what if the breakup occurs during the off-season, when they're just speculating about upcoming trades and draft picks, then you'd have to wait until spring training or at least until the #1 draft pick has been announced, and by then the deed might have already been done. Another alternative is to put on Spike TV, but only before 11, because after that, they just show reruns of magnum PI, those can't be guaranteed to hold anyone's attention, right?
When suggesting serious, viable solutions, you should really work through the details.
Another alternative is to put on Spike TV, but only before 11, because after that, they just show reruns of magnum PI, those can't be guaranteed to hold anyone's attention, right?
I recommend the Spice channel. That should hold a guy's interest for a significant amount of time.
and by the way.. I absolutely champion the need for female accountability in relationship choosing, but these kind of extreme cases are a different matter entirely.
Au contraire, the average length of time an adult video is on (in a hotel anyway) is 12 minutes (source: Al Franken, Lies..)
Au contraire, the average length of time an adult video is on (in a hotel anyway) is 12 minutes
That seems about right, based on the average endurance of men. ;)
(Yes, I really can bring the stupid to bear on any discussion, no matter how serious)
Au contraire, the average length of time an adult video is on (in a hotel anyway) is 12 minutes (source: Al Franken, Lies..)
What patience!
Hey all you know it alls trying to analyze this case. The guy was a pretty good guy growing up but got involved in drugs and met her when they were both seeking help for their addictions. Unlike the pictures seem to portray in their thousand words. She wasn't the angel that the glamourshots like photo may lead you to believe, she was an alcoholic. The way he killed her was most likely a simple action of opportunity while in a rage. If you want to start analyzing statistics be sure to look at what the percent of domestic violence happens to couples struggling with addiction.
She certainly never deserved to even have a hand laid on her let alone such a terrible experience, but this wasn't some rough white guy killing and angel sent from heaven or race related. I know she was somebody's daughter and maybe a very wonderful person most of the time.
What we need to learn from this is to fight drugs any way we can as a community, as a species. To keep our kids form getting caught in this terrible trap so they don't become the next perpetrator of this type of crime or so they don't hang around these type of people and become victims of their actions.
I support both families because if both children had not become addicted they'd be with us living decent lives right now.
Marjuana isn't the first drug......it's cigaretts and alcohol. Stop them early and set a good example, you might not think they are listening but they are. And especially if you are a neighbor parent. Take a second to tell a neighborhood kid what you really like about them and be there for them when they are at odds with their own parents. You'd be amazed at how powerful your words of encouragement can be.