Rollin’ down Venice with Squishee in hand

I haven’t done any hard-nosed-journalism-type posts on SM in a while. Saturday night, when I found myself driving down Venice Blvd. in Los Angeles, I knew it was time to change all that. Out of the corner of my eye, on the errrr…corner, I spotted a Kwik-E-Mart with a huge line running around the building. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to film an undercover exposé with such a large crowd present so I determined that I would come back at a later time. On Monday I did just that. I casually walked past the bouncer who was shorter than me. What I found inside was shocking. Absolutely shocking! Indians were running the store and making a ton of money selling Squishees, hot dogs, and donuts. There were three brown dudes working the register and a really tall guy of uncertain ethnic origin pouring Squishees. I am happy to bring this exclusive hidden camera footage to our valued readers:

You might not be able to notice this in the grainy film but the short brown man behind the counter (wearing green) had a name-tag that said “Apu.” I really doubt that his real name was Apu. I sure as hell didn’t see a Manjula around (I looked). The tall guy in the red next to him had a name-tag I couldn’t quite make out. It started with a “C” and it definitely wasn’t that no good Sanjay.

“Apu” behind the counter

As most of you know, Manish was on CNN yesterday lamenting the offensive nature of this whole Kwik-E-Mart campaign and the racist caricature it promotes, jumping from fiction to reality:

In all honesty, what I really found offensive was the taste of my tangerine-lemon Squishee. I mean, the damn thing tasted like battery acid mixed with Mountain Dew. When I got back to my hotel I poured the melted Squishee into the toilet. It was then that I realized that I could make a killing if I created a line of neon colored toilet bowl cleaners (as opposed to the standard blue). The hot dogs were also kind of scary looking and the donuts looked radioactive. Plus, they had a corpse in the same fridge as the Gatorade:

I really needed some cash but would you trust an ATM machine in a Kwik-E-Mart? I mean, the only place that might charge you a higher surcharge is a strip club (not that I would know such things).

I bet you the tabloids would pay BIG money if someone were to photograph presidential contender Joe Biden in one of these establishments of ill-repute.

Now that I went in to one of these things and satisfied your curiosities (and bought a Squishee) about what it is like, I think we should all boycott.