December 12, 2007
Headlines I'd Like To SeeHumor
Musharraf Resigns, Narendra Modi to Replace Him
Advani Resigns BJP, Plans To Take Up Gardening, Play With "Wii"
Vikram Pandit, Enthusiastic About New Job, Changes Name to "CitiPandit"
New Citigroup CEO Demands Subordinates Address Him as "Panditji"
Sources: Dem Anti-Outsourcing Campaign Outsourced to India
Indian American Athlete Wins Heisman Trophy
Impoverished By Writer's Strike, Simpsons' "Apu" Returns to India For Good
Rushdie Marries Older Woman, Adopts Large-Nosed Infant Named "Saleem"
Sonia Gandhi Disowns Rahul and Priyanka; Monica Bellucci To Join Cong.
(Feel free to add your own, or spin off/tweak one of the above.)
amardeep on December 12, 2007 09:56 AM in Humor · T·r·a·c·k·b·a·c·k address · Direct link · Email post
Bush appoints Gore as Climate Secretary.
M Night Shyamalan finally makes a movie without making a contrived cameo in it.
Bush accepts responsibility for failed "intelligence", again.
Political parties in India resolve their differences and make progressive reforms together.
Did you see this real one? link
I think this one wins.
Steve Fossett found alive in Vegas casino, sets new nonstop gambling record.
English is a phunny language. Good catch BTW.
Good one. Btw, DD news has a website? What is the world coming to :o
20% of top 20 are Indo-Americans is good enough:
http://www.businessweek.com/technology/content/dec2007/tc2007123_368568.htm
Bush receives 45 year sentence for Treason charges, betrayal of own country. In a strange twist of fate, his first "bunk-mate" is a former Guantanamo detainee.....
"Random security checks at airports outlawed, Senate investigates claims of racial discrimination by TSA"
"Shiv Sena supremo Bal Thackeray steps down, to settle down in Pandarpur"
"ACLU inaugrates South Asian branches"
Addendum: "ACLU inaugrates South Asian branches - ICLU, PCLU, SLCLU, BCLU"
Tired of rumors, Olsen twins' parents arrange their marriages - to twin Pattabhiramans.
Money Honey can't wait to share jet with CitiPandit!
This one has a good chance to be real.
Hulk Hogan vs The Great Khali at the next Wrestlemania.
I caught the WWE Raw for the 1st time in while and it looks like that they are setting up a storyline for these 2 to meet to wrestle. I talked to guy who regular wrestling fan, and he said that Hogan only wrestles a couple of time a years, and this will be Hogan next match.
I wonder if this will get major media coverage in India.
Here the link, Khali is about to beat up some midget wrestler when Hogan makes the save at the 2:30 mark.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZ3qReS4hac
Translates to "The Great Empty"??
Just for the heck of it:
"Himesh Reshammiya to collaborate on 53 track CD with Sanjaya Malakar"
"Kal Penn to play Gandhi in new Oliver Stone movie on Gandhi assassination"
"Controversial Oliver Stone movie banned in India, detractors claim shows Nehru in bad light"
How about:
Skin Tanning Cream emerges as most bought beautifiying product.
How about a matrmonial:
Single, attractive, smart and successful Indian girl looking to find my Indian Romeo-ji. Caste and income is absolutely no bar. All interested inquiries please contact Rani_Mukherjee@bollywood.in
Sepia Destiny Debuts
Come on Santosh! The headline(s) should read:
PUCL and HRCP to Merge: SACLU formed; United Voice on South Asian Human Rights Issues; Many of Our Issues Similar, Note Chairpersons.
(By the way December 10 was International Human Rights Day).
"Fair and Lovely to launch skin whitening cream for the third sex, Fair-n-Tranny"
Should I keep going?
The matrimonial ad should read like this:
Single, attractive, smart and successful Indian girl looking to find single, tall, fair, good-looking man. Must know cooking. Cleaning experience preferred. Interested persons contact xyz@gmail.com
"Shane Warne, Bishan Bedi to announce new anti-chucking benefit concert series: acts to include John Howard bowling, the ghostly remnants of Milli Vanilli and Russel Crowe's
bandSham.""The brothers Rajapakse find common cause with P-raps, announce joint venture to explore Arrack opportunities in Marianas Trench while promoting cultural heritage in Kattu-Maram submersible."
NASA scientist have EVIDENCE that this world is an illusion - we really do not exist, period !
Ok, I shall continue:
"Air Force One outsourced to Jet Airways"
"Mars rover discovers crumbs of chivda on Mars"
"Sunita Williams becomes Air India head honcho"
"Following Brett Lee, Inzamam and Lara to release Sufi-Calypso album with Asha Bhosle"
Bush fails intelligence test, so does CIA.
Shilpa Shetty becomes spokesperson for Narmada Bachao Andolan.
The Indian National Congress says no to Rahul Gandhi's PM aspirations. The INC spokesman said "We have had enough of these unqualified fools".
Also, the supreme court rules in favor of a petition brought by the original Gandhi family. The tribute Gandhis will have to change their surname back to Nehru.
More on Santosh's lines:
Martians attack Earth, demand recipe for aloo tikki.
Jeet made me LOL. :)
Texas to be blue in the 2008 presidential elections!!
With no disrespect intended to anyone :)
Puli finds a mate through Sepia Desitny
Chachaji’s dream of a South Asian nation state comes true
ABDs and DBDs refrain from making sweeping generalization about each other on February 29th every four years and the day will be known as des pardes divas
Obama responds to Hillary campaign Kindergarten accusations, claims Hillary "ate boogers in first grade in Punjab"
Mitt Romney runs out of hair gel, to give "fashion" speech
CNN fires Lou Dobbs, outsources show to India, Shekar Suman to host
"Mars rover discovers crumbs of chivda on Mars"
...what are you on? im still dying laughing!
CNN fires Lou Dobbs
Keep Dreaming. The great Mr.Dobbs is here to stay.
A long standing dispute in California has been resolved by splitting the state into "South California" and "North California", but Santa Barbara and Laguna Beach want to be part of the north state!!
South Asians immigrants to western countries, are glad to be there instead of bitching and moaning about how things were better in there homeland.
Maybe one day that can happen.
"Starbucks gets in the Christmas mood,only charges homeless man $6.00 for tall coffee"
"President Bush declares adult footie pajamas socially acceptable"
"Punjabi groom snaps and kill's 3 after he kind find his shoes"
"Lou Dobbs divorces wife under a cloud of suspicion regarding her own citizenship status, will pursue polyamorous civil union to raise real American children with Tom Tancredo, Jon Kyl, Glenn Reynolds, Bryan Preston, Allahpundit and a rehabilitated Papa Pilgrim."
The male/female birth ratio in both the punjab and western punjabi communities is back to normal.
I guess this is headline we won't see in a longtime.
Oh here another real one,
Paris Hilton is looking for 'a nice boy'
The Patriots lose to the Colts in the playoffs
Bush impeached, courts orders him to going hunting with Dick Cheney.
Bush takes a vacation, from taking vacations.
Airbus changes direction, ditches the A380 for the Vimana 2.0, Delta places initial order for 200, but will serve only micro pretzels on board.
Toyota buys GM and Ford, hires engineers to build cars.
SUV's, Cup Holders, eating in the car, Talking on cellphones, TV's, Spinning Wheels and tricked out rides, banned. Half the population now walks to work, the other half is unemployed.
Oil companies own up to dismantling public transportation system.
Edison, NJ to be renamed Ramanujam, NJ
Mike Huckabee denies making "earth is round" remarks
George Lucas to direct Ramayan: The Ravan Menace
Indian villager converts garbage into petrol(this time for real)
'I am willing to dance if Karunanidhi can write a song for me', Jayalalitha on Sun TV
'I am still stumped that tamilians think my drivel is worth publishing', Karunanidhi on Jaya TV
The congress worker who relieved himself, on Narasimha Rao's poster in 1996, admits he couldnt find a nearby toilet in time
...US Airways to include Gandharva Vivaha service at extra cost, Rakshasa Vivaha to be provided seasonally."
New evidence suggests Ram Setu built by Aliens
TN Elections Tied! Jayalalitha to Mud-wrestle with Karunanidhi for Tiebreak.
Rick Santorum Marries Dog. Says "It's OK if it's a female dog".
Tom Delay Recovering From DIY Accident. Admits: "When all you have is a Hammer, everything starts to look like a thumb".
Minority Whip Trent Lott Reminisces: "When I was young, the Minority Whip used to whip minorities".
US Senator Sex Scandal: Republican Caught With A Chicken. Democrats Cry Fowl.
ee cummings to take up new job as NEW YORK POST HEADLINE WRITER!
FOX News On Sex Scandals: "No Democrat has ever denied under oath that they have had loving feelings towards a fire extinguisher. We ask why. Stay tuned!"
The official was also quoted as saying "we have proof that Indians did not build the bridge, It is known that Indian contractors first split the money, if there is any left, they then build a bridge. The Aliens first build the bridges, then split the money"
Delta serving micro pretzels is not news :(
This though, would be:
Delta will now start serving curd rice on board.
Bin Laden Feature on MTV CRIBS
Britney Takes Up Kabalah
Britney Redirected From Grocery Store, Advised That Kabalah Is Not The Same As A Calabash.
Lou Dobbs Complains That Construction Jobs Are Being Done By Illegal Aliens.
Apple's New Line of Vacuums: iSuck
White House and Capitol foreclose, feds respond by dropping interest rate
Manoj Kumar wins Oscar, visa to US rejected, immigration officials claim "his hand was hiding his face in the passport photo"
Bachchan denies allegations of Aishwarya marrying telephone pole
Modi retires, to release Hindu devotional R&B album
Rudy Giuliani quits reminding Americans of horrors of September 11th
Lou Dobbs rusticated to Mexico.
Sania Mirza wins Wimbledon.
Arundhati Roy wins the Noble prize.
California Switches To Wood-Burning Cars. Inexhaustible Supply Found In Gov. Schwarzenegger's Dialogue Delivery.
Deepa Metha Wins Oscar for Best Director
Geez. I meant Mehta. I really can't work and post at the same time!
"Sunny Leone to do item number in Bollywood movie"
"Shilpa Shetty voted Prime Minister of England, Jade Goody gets Cultural Affairs"
"Desi wins Heisman, late for awards ceremony"
"Dr.420 to do item number in Bollywood movie"
"Crisis in California: Fires burn granola factory"
"F1 legend Schumacher races cab in NYC, loses race"
"Sunita Williams to do item number in Bollywood movie"
Times Of India Journalist Denies Being An Uninformed Hack.
The Onion Wins Pulitzer For Public Service.
/seriously
GC processing date for Indians becomes 'current'
Ms. Mirza is better on hard courts ;).
My headline: "Sania Mirza wins in Melbourne."
Manmohan Singh grows a pair.
Arundhati Roy and Shabana Azmi join the board of directors for Pepsico.
M. Nam
BCCI renamed to Board of Corruption and Cronyism for selected Individuals
"Angelina Jolie returns Indian adoptee after he tries to put other children into different caste's"
Jay Leno goes to rehab, withdraws his vote for the 8 passengers Chevy Tahoe Hybrid as the green car of the year.
"South Asian construction workers honored for their contribution to Dubai."
Size does matter for Harvard entrants.
Manju denies everything, says HMF only provided paid massages.
When i posted that, I was on my 3rd cup of freshly brewed Colombian coffee. Now that it's starting to wear off I may have to fix a new pot. Stay tuned .........
Sanjay Gupta to release bollywood film inspired by '2 girls 1 cup', Gupta denies any similarities.
SCIENTISTS LINK "FAIR AND LOVELY" CREAM TO PREMATURE WRINKLING.
NEW WONDER BRA KEEPS BACK FLAB FROM BULGING OUT OF TIGHT BLOUSES.
LYCRA MIRACLE SAREE MAKES WEARER LOOK FIVE KILOS SMALLER, EVEN WHILE BOUNDING IN WAVES.
Okay, back to work.
ganesha chai miracle takes over the world; kaapi-drinkers cry discrimination
Here you go. :) Braaaa-llelujah!
Anna, I owe you big time for this link to good news. You -- and Spanx -- have changed my life.
Love the second-to-last of the OP.
Jindal renames Louisiana to Ludhiana
Bush declines offer to debate Iranian president, suggests spelling bee
Dead terrorists sue, the 72 promised virgins turn out to be 72 adult males
Mel Gibson blames Jews for constipation problems
Scooby Doo and Shaggy come out
GEICO lizard visa expires, deported
John Mark Carr confesses to Gandhi assassination, gets free business class trip to India
Life discovered on Mars, India signs bilateral peace agreement
Bush claims that Martians are a threat to our way of life, waits on Pentagon "Intelligence" report.
Bush Seniors company signs energy deal with Martians.
Goyal uncle asks the White House press secretary "If the US captures Mars, will Diwali be declared a holiday?"
Pardesi Gori graciously accepts blogger and intern positions at Sepia Mutiny.
"Jindal renames Louisiana to Ludhiana"
Now isnt that every Right wing radio host's wet dream.
"See I told you this would happen"
NASCRAP learns from UPS.
I must say that this is one of the funniest post's ever. People are really bringing the funny.
I could literally sit here and do this all day, but I must resist
Mass wedding arranged among SM's members; Tiny mutinies arise in multiple locations..
I liked Forbes, "Citi Swaps Prince For Pandit."
Is this what GoraGoraGora linked to? I'm not getting nuthin there.
real one
I usually lurk on this site but I couldn't resist. BTW, I love the work and comments on this site, especially the recent blog on turban + beard. Here's some:
Jessica Alba admits she changed her name from Jessica Kaur to further acting career.
Playboy survey of playmates reveals that Desi's do it better.
Boston Red Sox admit to gay love.
Desi women don't talk about marriage till after third date.
Desi family allows their children to marry whomever they love.
Modi caught in Dubai Airport bathroom with Larry Craig and Ahmadinejad "sharing" toilet paper.
Anna named as new Victoria Secret runway model.
Shinda, Daler Mehndi and Juggy D to headline at next Victoria Secret concert; Models to bhangra down the runway.
Ashwariya Rai divorces Abishek to marry Jangali Janwar. Father objects as Ash isn't punjabi, sikh or jatt but relents after he learns how many Euro's she has.
Vancouver Punjabi's stop killing one another, join RCMP to overthrow local government to create a new country called West Punjab-Kannada. (mispelled on purpose)
ER's 2008 cast changed to all Desi with Jewish supervisor to reflect real world.
Peace on Earth.
You've just gotta love 'em.
HMF Denies Confession, Says He's Been Misquoted
Manju states unequivocally that he cannot recall whether massages ended happily.
Huge reservoir of oil found on mars! Exxon sending a mission to mars next month.
Rahul Losses Virginity, Stops Commenting
There has to be a desi angle to this somehow, but I have feeling there are many here who want to see this headline
The Chicago Cubs win the 2008 World Series!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have feeling now that signed one of the best players from Japan Kosuke Fukodome. It just be fun to hear long time Cubs announcer Ron Santo say Fukodome. And anybody who knows Ron Santo is, this has a chance for great hilarity.
Lehigh Professor Reportedly Registered Republican
Ivy league seats now determined by state lottery
Indian govt announces 100% reservation for backward castes. Entire nation now declared backward.
Huge Mars oil reservoir sparks run on indentured third-world labor, Terran refineries at risk of closing.
Uneven gender ratio leads to Indian men offering dowry for marriage
China buys Statue of Liberty, to be shifted in Beijing
Mr Kobayashi returns.
All the communists in India move permanently to China.
Manish wins Booker.
This one got a few laughs from me...
voluminous, uh, voluble.I lost weight.
No Von Mises Joins the Cato Institute
Osama Bin Laden downloads jihad music illegally, found by the RIAA and sued. Settles for undisclosed amount.
Bin Laden starts software company named /bin/laden
Clueless said:
It just be fun to hear long time Cubs announcer Ron Santo say Fukodome.
Imagine a drunk Harry Carrey saying "Fukudome". Now imagine Ron Santo and Harry Carrey in the same booth talking about Fukudome. I pray to God that Will Ferrel will do a impersonation of Harry Carrey talking about fukudome.
"FCC shoots itself in the head after listening to Harry Carrey and Ron Santo discuss 'Fukudome'"
Paula Jones Weds NASA Scientist: New Husband Vows to Use Blog to Undermine Hillary
HMF, Denied Promotion at Nation of Islam, Alleges Racial Discrimination
Jalebis Lower Cholesterol
Narendra Modi Admits He's SpoorLam: Self-Depreciating Parody or Serious Comments? Stunned Supporters Debate.
Popular Commentator Camille Admits She's White: Stunned Mutineers Question Their Ethnic Identity
... then goes on to create "The Hillary", new Maximum Absorbancy Garment to better catch "crap in Zero G"
Johnny Walker Red Beats Black in Taste Test: Stunned Punjabis Express Disbelief, Question Faith
;)
Ramachandra Guha Changes Mind, Decides He'd Rather Have Been Born in China After All
That would be so beyond funny, of course HMF would some how blame the white racist system.
One in Five Elected Officials is Actually a Vogon Reading His/Her Poetry
Imagine a drunk Harry Carrey saying "Fukudome". Now imagine Ron Santo and Harry Carrey in the same booth talking about Fukudome. I pray to God that Will Ferrel will do a impersonation of Harry Carrey talking about fukudome.
I would pay good money to hear that. But I'm afraid that Fukudome will be like Ichiro and go by his 1st name Kosuke which would be lame. Cause a Fukodome jersey would be very good seller with the big Cubs fanbase.
Manju mudwrestles Dinesh D'Souza in the buff on PPV. Proceeds go to the Committee to Re-Elect George Allen.
@86/Amrita...
I guess the link is down (or moved to here). The article was titled "Sanjay Dutt Resumes Shooting"
Britney Spears, in Comeback Bid, Joins Boney M as Backup Singer
No Von Mises Breaks Wrist While Watching PPV. Forced to Miss Daily Kos Convention
At UN Conference, Bollywood Criticized for Cultural Imperialism
God Appears on Earth, Promotes Atheism
1.Oil fields and Gold mines worth Trillions of dollars discovered in India. The new currency Exchange rate is pegged at $1 = 50 paisa.
2.Pappu Packs up and takes the first flight to Mumbai (for 500 rupees).
3. Anna, Ennis(?), Abhi and all other ABDs and/or SM posters apply for an Indian H1 work visa (which is renewable 3 years for upto 2 terms.) to pursue their great Indian Dream.
5. Lou Dobbs and All FOX TV affiliated personnel denied H1 Visas because of extremist links.
4.Sepia Mutiny is renamed Sepia Destiny. The battle has just begun...
President Obama vows that he will change name to Osama if he doesn't catch him in Pakistan dead or alive
Fair & Lovely Losing Market Share to Cream of Wheat: Analyst's Perplexed
First Dosa had Cheese and Pepperoni, Anthropologists Say
Sonia Gandhi Visits Mysore
'Vegetarian' is Hindi for 'Lousy Hunter', Archeologists Say
Shahrukh Khan loses filmfare best actor award to an actual actor. Film industry in shock.
another real one (link)
Manju, pathological denier of history, denies the existence of this headline.
Clueless gets a clu, reaffirms commitment towards that unreachable clue.
Goldman Sachs to Advise on India-Pakistan Merger
>>Goldman Sachs to Advise on India-Pakistan Merger
Lehman Brothers advises India that acquisition or a hostile takeover would be a better approach.
M. Nam
"Writers' strike enters 4th week, Fox news officially on reruns."
Board overrules both options as 'too twentieth century' and 'old thinking'. Acting on shareholder sentiment, and forward-looking strategic advice, while rejecting 'all or nothing' approaches, opts instead for loose holding arrangement which enables pooling of certain assets and launching of joint ventures but retention of original brand identities. Two chairpersons are appointed to the joint enterprise, rejecting also the linear hierarchical leadership model. Shareholders in the new holding company face no diluted equity, since they continue as shareholders in the original companies while also retaining the option to trade in both the the holding company and the counterpart company freely and without legal restriction. Old school analysts reeled from the development, while more with-it folks got it from the get-go.
>>Board overrules both options ...Shareholders in the new joint holding company ...retain the option to trade in both
Vikram Pandit declared as CEO of joint venture. Rumours afloat that he will swing the axe on bloated areas of the joint company where breeding has exceeded profitability.
>>"Writers' strike enters 4th week, Fox news officially on reruns."
Writers' strike enters 5th week, Leading Democratic candidates unusually quiet.
M. Nam
Chachaji,
Take a bow please.
My own 'umble contribution;
"Most Bengalis feel its time for Ganguly to retire"
"MoorNam gets drunk,confesses to his secret love affair with a Pakistani girl from Rawalpindi"
"An American team consisting mostly of expat physicians from India enters the finals of the cricket World Cup"
"I am not the one to spit, says a famous Bollywood actress. Riots break out in Mumbai."
Chachaji,
If only the board acted in shareholders best interest this world will be a better place :)
To no one's surprise, Indian Olympic Team admits it has never used steroids; Team trainer says only supplement used is desi ghee.
Roger Clemens was on the juice!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that headline just came true....hahahahahahahahahahaha
Al Chutiya for Debauchery, Citing War on Christmas, Resigns From ACLU
Blogger HMF Celebrates Bar Mitzvah
OJ Denies Relationship
Puliogre in da USA to Marry Brigitte Nielsen
ACLU stop defending the bad guys.
Manju inducted into Civil Rights hall of fame, for dissertation titled, "don't worry about ropes around your neck, start a bank"
Jeter Requests Trade to Indians: Cites Lara Dutta Episode
Bhutto Claims Musharraf Sold Opium to Obama. Clinton Camp Denies Involvement.
Citing Stereotype of Pakistani Males, Musharraf Bemoans Willie Hortanization of Politics
Aishwarya Rai, Mistaken for Arundhati Rao, Strip-Searched at Airport
Arundhati Rao, Mistaken for Aishwarya Rai, Strip-Searched at Airport
Sai Baba Admits He's Jimi Hendrix
"Fair and Handsome" Linked to Impotence
Arundhati Roy Mistakes Sunderbans Tiger for Noam Chomsky
ooops, i meant roy, not rao in 156, 157.
Manju tries to discuss Accounting Information Systems and Principles of Accounting w/ Arundhati Roy. Roy says, "It's all America's fault".
Arundhati Roy to Wed Rahul Roy: Touched By Pledge to Take Her Name
Arundhati Roy Kills Beavers Building Dam, Supporters Conflicted
Obama Sold Coke to India in Kindergarten, Thums-Up alledges: Clinton Camp Denies Involvement
"Mohammed: The Cartoon Book" becomes a runaway bestseller in Saudi Arabia. Bookstores cannot keep enough in stock.
Vikram Pandit Demands Citi Pay Him in Rupees
Tata Acquires Jaguar
Ambani, Birla Form Joint Venture to Acquire British Brands: Honourable East England Company
Hillary has sex change operation. Says country not ready for female president.