I have been saving and saving and saving this post, since it seemed to me most appropriate for Walentine’s Day.

Cheap V- and W-switching jokes aside, as you may remember, I was recently in Singapore. Along with Preston Merchant, photographer extraordinaire, I made my way out to the Sri Senpaga Vinayagar Temple, on Ceylon Road in Katong. This temple, which just may be my favorite temple in the world, is gorgeous. It’s beautifully painted, clean, and welcoming. It’s got a huge collection of different Ganeshas, and all the priests are from Sri Lanka. Ceylon Tamils in Singapore built the temple over a century ago, but now Hindus of all backgrounds worship there. ceylontemple.jpg

There are rules for worship on the wall that detail the kind of clothing to be worn, and the temple pamphlet specifies an order of worship. But the reality of the temple did not hew to the rules as they were written—indeed, no temple I know really does. Women came in dressed for work, toting children; live musicians played nathaswaram; priests served warm paiassam; people worshipped in the order that pleased them (or, at least, I did). They let Preston take pictures. I paid for prayers in my family’s name. The chief kurrukkal loaded me down with books about the temple and gave me a tiny statue of Ganesha, gratis. It didn’t feel like a place with many rules—just a lot of warmth.

The temple also has a store. I purchased many things there: a few Ganesha pendants, a five-faced Ganesha statue, Ganesha keychains, and some books. Among the books: guidelines to funeral rites for Saivite Hindus—and guidelines to marriage for Saivite Hindus.

I pointed at the display case on the wall and told the volunteer running the store that I wanted both.

“Both?”

“I’m preparing for my whole life here,” I said. “Who knows when I’ll come back to Singapore?”

I figured that hopefully I wouldn’t need the death one for awhile (is there a Hindu equivalent to crossing oneself? I don’t know it) and pulled the other one out to read on the plane home. I have long collected booklets with descriptions of marriage rituals, largely as book research (I am, after all, the author of a book called Love Marriage—or should that be Lowe Marriage?), but had never seen an English guidebook to the art of arranged marriages.

This one is called Guidelines for Marriage Proposals and Good Progeny for Saivite Hindus. The book was researched by a C. Tharmalingam and I didn’t find a date on it. It made explicit made things I had heard; it wrote them down. But even so, it is a book of guidelines, not rules. Are our forebears and elders, perhaps, more flexible than we give them credit for? Or should we be concerned that they wrote these things down at all?

It begins:

As a safeguard it would be best if the match-maker were to know the future bride and bridegroom in person. Otherwise one would be unwittingly matching a dwarf to a giant…. Generally, the young lady should be slightly shorter than the young man for better appearance.

The physical appearance has been settled.

That’s right—uncle has settled the question of physical appearance on page one, line eight. If only we were all so efficient! He goes on to place a heavy emphasis on astrology, warning that if the couple fall into the same category in a certain part of the Tamil Almanac,
in one instance the future husband will die, in another category the future bride will die, in another the children will die, in another loss in property and yet another the couple will be separated and living in far away countries.

He places great faith in astrology, but also in chemistry. If all is satisfactory star-chart-wise, he recommends a meeting in an isolated temple. (!)

Here again, there is a hurdle to be crossed. In this instance the couple themselves will have to decide whether there is chemistry between them. Usually one look would suffice.

In Tamil it is known as “Manap Poruththam.” If there is not, it is best to drop the proposal right away—even if there is astrological agreement.

I find this frankly kind of sweet. He skips straight over the wedding and goes to guidelines for the best times and ways to mate, in order to ensure a good, healthy, and virtuous child.
As per indications in the Puranas, if a man is physically stronger than a woman a male child will be born. If the opposite is the case the result will be female child. If the strength of man and woman is equal, an [sic] eunuch may be born.

In respect of the attitude of the partners, during intercourse both should not close their eyes. They should further be free from any fear at mating time.

Predications may be made for the child including its sex and qualities depending on the day of intercourse counted from the commencement of menstruation.

I have to say that in all my research, I had never before seen any of this written down in English. Maybe I was not looking hard enough, or looking in the wrong place. He goes so far as to specify what kind of child you will get if you mate on certain days:
The best day for the expectation of a daughter is the fifteenth (15th) day as the female child thus born will be healthy, beautiful, charming with highest character. The child will become highly educated and be God-fearing. She will get married to one of equally high character and will be an asset irrespective of the place of birth and whichever family she goes to by marriage.

Similarly the sixteenth (16th) day is the best day for expectation of a son. The child will be exceptional with qualities as described above.

The Upanishads say that if the conception is established for the first time mating with a virgin on the sixteenth (16th) day counted from the day of onset of menses a male child will be born having outstanding character and extraordinary capabilities. He will be almost a genius, loved and respected by all.

His intellectual achievements will be of the highest order and he will possess all material comforts without any great effort. However, chances of attaining this type of condition and conception are very very rare.

Seriously.

In the Appendix, we are given “How to Identify an Intelligent Child.” Again with the efficiency!

Look at the top of the child’s head. It should appear like a trapezium - i.e. the plan view [sic]. The shorter parallel side being the forehead and the longer side being the back of the head.

Secondly look at the child sideways. The back of the head should jut out beyond the straight line of the neck.

Look at the child from the front. The front elevation of the face should look like an inverted triangle—the base being the top of the forehead and the summit being the chin of the child.

And there you do indeed have an intelligent child.

Look again at the child from the front. And if the top of the head slopes upwards from the front to the back of the head, then you have a sure bet that the child is second to none.

**

This book was probably written some time ago; it is gendered and heteronormative to be sure, and probably reflective of the society and time in which it was created. Not to mention that it is bluntly specific about some surprising things. Now, it would be easy to be glib about all this. I have to tell you that I am resisting with some effort. But even the researcher of this book is prepared to admit that although he has gone to the effort of writing all this down, he is not always right.

Please Note: Observations have been made where people with small heads and with no special features and on top of it with small foreheads have made the grade and are holding top appointments.

Which again proves that destiny is supreme.

Anyway, these are the exceptions.

Destiny is supreme. Happy Walentine’s Day, Mutineers. Love in all its forms. Acknowledging that guidelines have existed. Going around them.

photo by Preston Merchant